Don't Cry Over Spilled Octopus" or "In Praise of Squid" might be another option. So maybe just leave this blank. 3. Acknowledging the Contradictions of Tentacle Masturbation "Oh, yeah? Well, you just got hit in the head with something sharp," says one of the creatures. "Do not argue with him, he'll fuck you up," says another. "Fuck me up? What? I didn't touch him!" "You have a human penis," says another. "Yeah, and you have tentacles that can suck out their souls." "We don't suck them out. We suck them in!" "Just admit it. You fuck with them and they come back to life." "I'm not going to apologize to them!" "It's okay, dude. They're just misunderstood." "Dude. Don't say dude." "Dude." You are not allowed to say the words dildo, clit-tickler, or butt plug to these misunderstood creatures. Tentacle masturbation aside, this is a great opportunity for a good philosophical battle. Make up some philosophical ground to make sure there is no misunderstanding: 1. If the tentacles had a mouth, what would they look like? 2. When a dildo, clit-tickler, or butt plug makes a person come, what do they taste like? 3. How many souls are they sucking out per tentacle? 4. Do you think a vagina is more like a tentacle, or more like a mouth? If these questions sound lame and you have no interest in creating philosophical fodder, you can opt for this: "There's only one thing that can suck out a soul and give it to God. That's the Holy Spirit. And since I'm a Catholic and I go to church and all, I think that's my role." This will create a whole new set of philosophical question for everyone else to tackle. 5. Ending with a Bang "Do you know what I don't like about tentacle porn? I don't like the way they always have the guy screaming in agony before he has his climax," says one man. "I don't know," says another man. "I thought you liked it!" "I do. It's just that it's always the same." "Hey, I just thought of something. Do you know why humans go on a quest for great sex?" "How the hell should I know? I'm the guy who sucks cocks for a living." "Do you ever have to take out a man's stomach because the tentacle is too big?" "Sometimes. But once it's in, it's in, and then they just start screaming and coming like crazy." "That's because a woman's vagina isn't that great. It's like going from a hot summer day to the Arctic." "Do you know why so many men say they like to have their balls fondled?" "Why? Because they enjoy it. You know how some people like to have other people tell them things to get them off? Some people like to have them licked." "Do you know what else I don't like about tentacle porn? I don't like the way they make their tentacles feel like their tongues are inside of you when they lick you." "Yeah, I know. It feels like the back of a tiger shark biting into your flesh." "Do you know why I think so many porn actresses have their eyebrows done?" "No, why?" "Because of the way their eyebrows move when they make you cum. It's like their eyebrows have a life of their own." "Hey, that reminds me. Do you know why the woman from Sailor Moon has really big hair?" "I don't even want to know why." "Yeah, we've all heard the story. Do you know what it's like when she fucks you?" "I've seen porn that's like that, and it isn't that great. Those aren't real tentacles, by the way. What you're looking at is a dildo. A tentacle can't go like that." "So, I guess it's only natural that men all over the world want to have sex with those tentacles?" "What are you talking about? I have a boyfriend! And I don't even get to see his face because they cover it up!" "But what if you don't just want to be with your boyfriend?" "What do you mean?" "I don't know. Do you think tentacles really do have a life of their own?" "Of course not. They don't feel anything." "Then what do you think they're good for?" "They have a really great oral technique." "Yeah, that's what I thought. So what if you want to be with your boyfriend in the tentacle porn industry. What are you doing here with us?" "There's nothing in there that's going to make me want to be with someone else. Do you know why I don't want to see other men?" "Why?" "Because they don't have tentacles." "You're right. It's an honor system." "They have dicks! And when they suck on them, you don't see them sucking." "See, you're already starting to get off with me. I'm just a man, right? I'm nothing compared to a tentacle." "So, I guess they're going to have to teach you some new sexual skills!" "Hey, I can't take credit for that. It all comes from God. And if you ask me, God is really big on tentacles. Don't you think? If you want to know who really invented the tentacle, ask God." If you want to hear more people talk about their love for tentacles, you can always keep saying, "Do you know what I don't like about tentacle porn? I don't like the way they always have the guy screaming in agony before he has his climax. I don't like the way the tentacles smell so bad that I have to put them in the bathtub." A Few Other Things to Tell People You can also talk to the person doing the talking. Ask questions like these: "Hey, buddy. What's up?" "How's it going?" "I don't see your eyes." "Is that lipstick you're wearing?" "I don't have any tentacles, but I think it would be nice if we could take a shower together." "Why?" "Because we can't really go on any adventures if we can't tell our stories." "Maybe. But when you go to the doctor's office, they usually give you all kinds of eye drops." "Is that what you think of when you go to the doctor's office? Just eye drops?" "That's all you have to do?" "That's all you have to do." "Maybe I like other stuff. But all I need is those eye drops." "Let's not talk about it. Hey, is that some eye shadow on your face?" "Hey, buddy, do you mind?" "Why are you staring at me?" "Your eyes look like they have a life of their own." "Oh, do you think so?" "Yeah, I do. If you weren't in such a rush, I'd get your eyes done too." "Hey, buddy, I know you probably think that you can't tell what's a woman and what's a man from behind, but I'm telling you that's not true. When I take off my clothes, I show you exactly what it is, and what it's called." "What do you mean?" "You can see it from the front too. You don't have to go around the back, or anywhere else. You can see it right there in the front. What are you complaining about? Does your cock have any hairs? No? Do you see any hair on my face?" "Actually, I like her hair. That's what I like about her best." "I know. I really like it too. But sometimes I think about getting it cut short." "I used to think that about my hair. But I finally cut it. You should try it." "Why?" "Because now no one asks me to suck their cock." "Okay. We'll just say it's for one of those reasons, all right?" "Okay." You don't have to wait for the person to talk to you in order to start asking questions. You don't even have to be friends with them. You can be a complete stranger and ask them questions. If they aren't talking to you, the person you're talking to can answer any questions you ask. This is important. Make sure the person you're talking to understands that if you ask