Wages continue to be a big problem for me. All I want for Christmas is a raise to $8/hour. I am just fed up with this job and thinking about quitting. We are in the process of finding a new home for my son, who is 17. It has been an extremely difficult journey. It has felt as though I have been walking in the desert for months and sometimes can't think straight. My son is disabled and the doctors at one of the facilities we've been visiting were talking about whether he should be in a foster home until he grows out of his disability. That would mean leaving his "babies," whom he calls friends, which would devastate him and cause us great anguish. He also has severe behavior problems at school and in his home life, where he is treated as an outcast and even as a criminal. He wants so badly to be included and is extremely articulate about the issues he has with the system, his peers and even his parents. It is very frustrating to have such a sensitive young man in our care. As a parent, I would be so afraid of him hurting himself or someone else if I were to let him go back to living on the street. All of this is really very wearing on my heart and soul. And then there are all the "normal" issues -- our own home is not in the best of repair, we have two cars that we have to continually replace, our son's behavioral problems in school and at home, getting up in the morning after we have all been up all night. Well, I got sick right before Thanksgiving, and I thought about posting my gratitude list, but then I saw how many people are dealing with sickness. So I think it might not be quite the festive thing I intended. All I am doing is dealing with what is going on in my life. I am grateful for my health and even my health problems, and I am grateful for a good job. That is it. There isn't anything more I can think of. Saturday, January 19, 2008 It's the end of a week in which I was told that the "real world" won't let me live in my little fantasy world. This world that doesn't need an alarm clock to wake you up in the morning; that is so free of financial responsibilities; where I don't have to pay my own bills; where I have all the time and energy in the world to do what I want and when I want it. But that's not how it is in real life. Now I have an alarm clock, and more bills than I know what to do with. As soon as I sit down at my computer, my boss calls and wants something. When I answered, he asked me about three different issues. As you can see, one issue he asked for my opinion about has not even happened yet, so really, why call? As far as work goes, I am thinking of telling my boss that I don't like being told to sit on the phone while someone else answers, and that he should just call when he wants something, so I can be really prepared to deal with it. As for sleeping in and getting up at my leisure, well, I still don't do that, except sometimes on weekends. Sometimes it takes a couple of months for me to get used to getting up at 7, but I am getting there. I still have a lot of work to do on that front. But other than that, I am keeping to my "breakfast in bed" rule: make the bed, get dressed, clean my room. If I want to change clothes, I do it, if not, I don't. Then I take a shower, and get ready for the day. I am having a hard time getting used to this having a job routine, instead of having more than 24 hours in the day. When I get home from work, I have to make dinner, deal with emails and voicemail, and plan for the coming week, but then my day does not end at 6. Sometimes it's a little difficult, but it is becoming more of a routine than it used to be. I have a lot to think about, and sometimes the answers are just as hard to come by as the questions, but that's what keeps the wheels turning. It is still surreal to be looking at a calendar with next week and this week. Even if I want to go shopping for a change of clothes, I still can't imagine myself going to a store on an errand. I don't have a lot to say about the big things right now. The election was very interesting, but it was also difficult. I would like to know how people voted on key issues, and why they chose to vote the way they did. I can't wait for the results to be published. Thursday, January 17, 2008 I would be doing things in a more leisurely fashion right now, but I am not. I am putting off making plans until I can find out where I stand on the election results. As you can tell, I voted. I just don't feel like discussing it here. Sorry. Wednesday, January 16, 2008 I think it is a lot easier to see yourself when you are going somewhere that you don't want to be, rather than when you are at someplace where you have always wanted to be. Right now, I am in one of those "I wish I had never let him in this door" places. And it feels odd because I know I need to be there, that I am important to him, and that there is some important work I need to get done. But I wish I had never let him in this door. I have just spent all of my vacation thinking about my position at work and how I don't know how to deal with it. It's frustrating to be there and not have any idea of how to deal with what's going on. I will have to decide on one way or the other in the next week or so. I don't know how I will do it, but I am sure the time to do it is now. I just wish I had the answers that I needed. Tuesday, January 15, 2008 Last night we had dinner with our son, his girlfriend and her mother. It was an interesting evening. My son is now 22, and it is hard to imagine that he was once my baby. As I watched him during dinner, I got some insight into how much he has changed and grown up, even in the last two years. I have been asking him a lot of questions about how he deals with this particular issue, this person, and he would never say anything directly to her, he's very protective of his feelings. I have learned that they've actually talked about how they don't ever want to be apart because of her not wanting him anymore. She, unfortunately, didn't think of the consequences of her actions. Anyway, as we were leaving dinner, she was texting him and I went out with her to the parking lot to find out what she had said. It didn't look good. She was asking how he is doing and seemed surprised that he has another girlfriend and was actually having a good time at dinner. I am starting to feel that our son needs some one-on-one attention, which is not what he is accustomed to. When we got home, I got him to tell me what it was he wanted to talk about, and then I asked him some questions. He said he didn't want to talk about it, so I asked him how he wanted to be with her. He just put his head down. So I told him I would ask her. I asked her if he was her favorite, and she said no. He says that isn't true. When I asked her about the text she had sent, she said she was just surprised he wasn't with her and had no intention of being rude. So I told her I knew she wasn't being rude, and told her it was okay if she was busy and had plans. But that I had some pictures that she could look at. I told her that they really had nothing in common, but that she was very lucky to be with him. So now, we need to work on trying to understand her and also him. He wants her and can be upset with her. He said if she is not happy he can't live with her. The thing is, he is just learning this and doesn't know what to do. So we have a lot to work on. It's been a very up and down weekend. Work has been good to me, but my house is kind of a mess and I didn't sleep well. I think I might be getting the flu. It isn't something that you expect to happen when you are 35, so I don't have a history of it. This is the first time I have been sick and not at home, and I'm not really into being sick. The flu sucks, especially since you don't have a lot of control of it.