Bad children's book titles include: 1. I Can Build a Better Zoo: Poems About Wild and Domestic Creatures by Margaret Weis and Arnold Lobel 2. Mr Tickle, Is a Mean Little Lady by Jackie Torrens 3. What I Learned from the Fairies by Linda Williams 4. A Good Baby Name Book by Claire Dyer 5. What I Know About Love by Jane Austen **BEAUTIFUL, but a terrible name** **A** man was a young doctor at the start of the twentieth century, but things did not always go to plan for him. In fact, when he was born they went very badly. His parents had a large family, including four other boys, and when their doctor son was born, after an excruciatingly painful birth, he was handed over to the local nursemaid. The poor man had some pretty rough treatment during the hours that he spent at her house. She would put him in the coal shed, where he was left in the dark with little food, while she worked all day outside. Then, he was made to take a bucket and a pail to her cowshed every morning. They would tie him to a large wooden pole, where he had to stand in the cow muck and poo. Even more upsetting for our unfortunate young man, was his confinement to the cow shed at night. Things got so bad that he had a dreadful case of impetigo, which resulted in him looking completely diseased and disgusting. He was then brought back home, where his aunt cared for him. But when his brothers came for the next holiday, the doctor's aunt told them what they could do with him. He was then sent to live in a workhouse with other children, who were not treated well. He would run about without shoes or clothes, despite the temperature of freezing cold, because of the terrible conditions he had to endure. Despite all this, the young man's name was called out one evening. He ran down to the doctor's house and said, "The doctor is calling me." His parents were horrified when they found out that he was sent away to an asylum. In the end, he did well at school, despite the difficult circumstances. He went on to get a good job, and had three children of his own, before he retired and passed away aged seventy-five. ## Dirty mind **A** couple were getting on well. They loved sex and they had amazing sex. Their sex was so good that they made a wish, and the next morning they woke up in the morning feeling great. The woman asked the man what he thought they should do for breakfast. He said they should go shopping for food. So they went shopping, but when they got home, there was nothing for breakfast. Next morning, the woman woke up and said, "I don't think I can do this much longer. You're killing me! We've run out of food. What are we going to do?" He said, "Don't worry. We'll just run to the supermarket. We can get all we need." He went to the door, and the woman said, "The door is locked." He came back in, and she said, "I don't think we're going to get out of this one." She went into the bedroom and started packing. She packed a bag for herself and one for him. When he came in, she was half out the window, carrying a bag. She said, "If you want to come with me, you have to jump out the window and run fast down the street. You'll be OK, but I have a bag full of your things. Do you want to take it with you? Or do you just want to go out the window?" He said, "No, I don't want to take the bag. I'll just go out the window." He went out the window and she screamed out that she was running out of food, so she had to go away. He was in a very bad neighbourhood, and he had no money, so he had to start stealing food to survive. It was really bad in that neighbourhood, and he started taking things from people. One day, he was approached by a lady on the street who had no money. He said, "Get lost!" but she insisted on giving him money. He took the money, but then he decided not to do it. He took her wallet and kept it for himself. She said, "I've been attacked by a man. I'm sure it was you who stole my money and my wallet." But he denied it all, and in the end she left him alone. The following day, he came home after stealing some food and saw that it had been stolen again. He was very upset by this and got very angry, and he took her again. She said, "I know who stole my money and my phone. It was the same man. He has the same clothes on. He looks like the man who attacked me last week." He denied it, so she said, "I'm going to get my camera and make sure. I'm going to have his face in my phone." He said, "Don't do it. I don't want you to." But the next day he couldn't wait for her to return, so he took her. She said, "Don't do it. I'm going to take a picture and then I'll show you who it is. I'm sure it's the same man who attacked me the other day." In the end, she told him, "Here's my camera. Take your clothes off, and you'll have to stand over here and be still. If it's me, I'll know you because I know what you look like." She took the picture and then he saw that he was right. She was dead shocked and very sad. She said, "How could you do this?" He said, "I don't know. I never knew I could do it." He told her that he didn't want her to be scared because he wasn't, so she said, "OK." Then she started to teach him how to feed himself, and how to steal things for food so he wouldn't be hungry anymore. She tried to train him, but it was no use, so she said, "You should go to my parents. They'll help you. Just go there." So he walked to her parents' house, and they were happy to see him. He said, "I'd like to ask you to help me." He told them what had happened to him, and they were so sad. Then he told them that his parents were dead. The father said, "They were great people. We couldn't believe it. I can't believe that I'm a child again, and you're a grown man, and we didn't even know what had happened." The mother said, "We are going to be your mother and father." But they thought that the best thing was for the young man to have his memory blocked so that he couldn't remember any of this, as it was too painful for them. So he was put on a train and taken to a distant town. There, he started to change. His hair started to turn grey. He started to get an old person's body. He looked horrible. It was too horrible for him to go on living. So he killed himself, with a big knife that he used for meat. The next day, a policeman came to ask the people at the home if they knew where the young man had gone. He said that he had heard the mother talking about a young man who was in the family way. So they went to check on the family, and they found the husband crying over his dead son. ## Funny hair **T** hings have a habit of going wrong when one person's life meets another person's life. After all, when one thing meets another thing, usually both things will change. The young man in the story had a young woman with a young baby. The family the man had come from in a past life had another woman, who had had an affair with a famous politician. And so the young man ended up marrying that other woman. One night, the young woman in the story was having dinner with her parents. Her father noticed that she had some funny hair. As it turned out, the reason for her hair changing colour was that it had met another person's hair. She was talking to her mother one day, and they were both worried about her unusual hair. She went to the doctor's for some tests, and after a week, the doctor told her that she had skin cancer. She had to have her head shaved, and that was it. Her hair started growing back, but it would take two years. The doctor said that the cancer was in remission, but that she should see her doctor often to make sure. A few days after she came home from the hospital, she realized that there was a bump in her body. So she went to the doctor again and said, "You can see a bump on my body." The doctor said, "That's fine. It's just an infection. You should just put some medicine on it." She was a bit worried because she had been having sex since her diagnosis. She had also had sex on a couple of occasions after she got her first lump in her breast. So she felt that she should go to the doctor. The doctor saw the bump on her