Stop dancing like that. it looks like you've lost all control of yourself." "No, I haven't. It doesn't look like it to you, Mr. Bigalow." "A. D., what are you doing out of bed? Have you taken a pill today?" "No, I'm fine." "Then you're just being ridiculous, okay? Now come to bed." "I can see you're very busy. Maybe I'll try to join you in the library later. But right now I need to work out my fantasy." "Your fantasy?" "Yes, what kind of dream am I going to have?" "You don't need a dream." "Yes, I do. I have to dream of getting my revenge." Now that I think about it, yes, I guess that would make sense. You can't really get your revenge without dreaming. But we're trying to talk here. I don't see how getting my revenge and talking are compatible. A. D., listen to me. I don't care what kind of fantasy you make up, but you need to come to bed. Do you understand me? Mr. Bigalow, I don't know what you've been up to, and I don't care. But as far as I'm concerned, you're not taking your medication. So please stop pretending you're a doctor and go get in bed and stop being ridiculous. A. D.?" "You're embarrassing me in front of Helen." Helen. I remember Helen. Of course I remember Helen. I even remember how I felt about Helen when I was around the right age to remember Helen. Do you think I need another pill?" "No. I just think you should come to bed and we should talk." I just don't understand why I have to be the one to come to bed. Am I the bad guy here?" "Yes. You're the bad guy." I used to love you, you know." "That's another subject." Are you going to make love to me?" "Right now?" "Okay, I'm sorry I asked." "Goodnight, Mr. Bigalow." "Goodnight, A. D." "That's really fucked-up." Now why would I be in the middle of a fantasy where I was sleeping with A. D. when I was supposed to be falling asleep? Then I remembered the way Helen always treated me. I don't know. Maybe she did it to all the poor schmucks who worked for her. That's it. She had to get back at me for the way I dumped her. But still. I loved her. I didn't even think of her as A. D. I just thought of her as Helen. But how was I ever going to get my revenge on her? That was the question. I did a few more calisthenics to work out my fury. I had been working out so hard my entire life that I had built up quite a workout routine. I was in the middle of doing crunches when the doorbell rang. That was odd. Why would anybody be ringing the doorbell? Of course it could be Helen. But why would Helen ring the doorbell? I'm sure she knows where I live. I felt around for the doorknob. I still didn't have my strength back yet. I pulled my arms out of the holes. I don't know what they did to me, but it sure was effective. I dragged myself up to the door. I'm glad the lock has no automatic release. The last thing I wanted to do was to let whoever was at the door in. I pulled the door open. What was I doing? I had the door open. Who was I going to see? I couldn't answer that because I wasn't focused on a question. And since I couldn't answer a question, I didn't answer. And since I didn't answer, I also didn't shut the door. I didn't want anybody to get in. But it was a relief when whoever was on the other side walked away. I walked back to the bed. I fell into the bed. I started snoring before I hit the mattress. Then I woke up. At that point I knew I couldn't let myself fall back asleep. I had to do something about my anger and the way I was feeling. I was just lying there thinking about all this, when the doorbell rang again. Again, I didn't answer. I tried to go back to sleep. I had my eye on the clock, just as I had so many times during the day, just as I had so many times in my life, and just as I had so many times in my childhood. I remember that exact moment in time, when I first entered the adult world. I wanted to go back, but I couldn't. There was the possibility that I had been lying here for too long, and I was risking having my neck get stiff again. I had no choice but to deal with my feelings. I had to take some action. But I felt that if I tried to start my day over, it would probably lead to a whole bunch of other stuff. So instead of walking up to the wall like I did when I was ten, I got up. I put on a T-shirt, a pair of pants, a jacket, and a pair of shoes. I opened the drawer and grabbed my gun. I had no idea if the gun was loaded. It looked like it was. I wasn't taking any chances. I don't know why I had a gun, because I had never had to defend myself. But I didn't want anybody to feel threatened by me. I wasn't a threat. I was just a poor schmuck. I got to the door. I couldn't hear anything. There was nobody there. I opened the door. I looked around. I walked across the living room. When I got to the front door, I looked behind me. Nobody. I walked out onto the porch. I did some squats. I felt like I was lifting weights, but I wasn't. It was just my body trying to wake up. I squatted down on my toes. I opened the door and looked down the street. I knew I was too late. I knew I would see nobody. There was nobody there, even though I could hear somebody upstairs. I still couldn't hear anything when I walked upstairs. When I reached the top of the stairs, I heard a familiar laugh. That laugh. I felt so stupid. I felt so foolish. I knew she was down there. I walked into the living room, walked past her to the coffee table. The table was off to the side of the window. The window was open. I turned to face her, although I could still hear her laugh. I heard the laugh continue. That was all I needed to know. She was laughing at me. I was trying to figure out what to say to her. "I'll be with you in a minute," she said. She turned toward the window. "I forgot to close the window." I still couldn't think of what to say. I couldn't think of anything to say. "Could you close the window? Would you get the ladder please?" The ladder. That was the tool that I loved to use as a kid. I had a little red ladder. It was in the alley behind my house. It was in perfect condition. That's where I would spend a lot of my time and my days off. Whenever I wasn't watching TV, I was working on the ladder. I didn't know how to climb the ladder, but it was really easy to get to the top. And once you got up there, you could reach out and touch the ceiling. What an incredible feeling. There was nothing better. How could I have fallen so low? In fact, I can tell you exactly what happened. I lost control.