Chapter 1. Our story begins with a baby." "Chapter two." "That baby grew up..." "To be a teenage girl." "Chapter 3." "His name was Josh Griffith." "He was adopted by a family in Quahog, and at age 18... he entered junior year at high school." "Chapter 5." "He made the varsity soccer team." "Chapter 6." "He dated a cheerleader." "Chapter 7." "He got the lead in his school play." "Chapter 8." "He graduated." "So now the plotline returns to its roots." "The end." "The end." "The end." "We had no idea you wrote a novel." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'll be right there." "The baby's awake." "Now I really have to go." "Well, that's too bad, 'cause you just got here." "Come on, the baby's first night's a big night." "This is the beginning of your baby book." "You should cherish this moment." "Cherish?" "Cherish." "Now, you know how you had that playwriting class at school?" "The one with the creepy teacher?" "Mr. Shepherd?" "Yeah, the very one." "I know he's weird, but he's famous, you know." "He teaches the most famous class in the whole school." "I can't believe I've never told you this." "See?" "This is one of his plays." "He wanted me to star in it, but I'm no good at memorizing lines." "No, you're not." "Look." "Josh wrote this in 10 minutes, but it takes Mr. Shepherd three whole months to do it." "That is amazing!" "Come on." "I'll drive you to school." "All right!" "I got your text message." " What's the gig?" " I'll tell you on the way." "Come on." "I gotta tell you, Josh, I am very impressed." "It was good, right?" "Are you kidding?" "It was brilliant." "There's no way they could do it in three months, right?" "I don't think so, no." "But I read some of your other stuff." "There's some real gems in there." "Your character's name is Woody Van Buzzkill?" "Yeah, and she was a porn star." "You made her a porn star?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "I know it's stupid, but I needed a semi-serious sounding name, you know?" "And I'm thinking, "Damn, I'm good."" "Anyway, great play." "Really, you should be very, very proud." "Thank you." "Listen, let's talk about the future." "Because I want to produce this play." "I really, really do." "Come on, you know I can't take on that kind of risk." "I mean, we're talking about the difference between "No way" and "No, way."" "Listen, Mr. Shepherd, I appreciate everything that you've done for me." "You've really helped me a lot as a writer and I promise you I'm gonna give it my very best shot." "But I just..." "I can't let you do that." "Josh, I really have to insist that you cannot put my name on this." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Josh, I'm your best friend." "We're like bros." "I can't let you do this." "I can't." "See you, pal." "Hey, you made it." "Hey, guys." "That went great!" "You have got to be kidding me!" "Hey, buddy." "Hey." "Listen, I got the greatest playwriting teacher in the world and he just turned it down." "I mean, can you believe it?" "Why?" "Because you're too successful?" "You know why I think it is?" "No, tell me." "You were jealous." "You didn't want a student who writes plays becoming a success." "You want him to be a failure, so you can feel superior to him." "Aren't you two the cute couple?" "Hey, man, why don't you go get us some sodas, we'll go sit down and we'll chat a bit." "Okay?" "That sounds really good." "Okay." "Yeah." "Great." "I'm gonna go and give him a piece of my mind." "So don't say anything stupid, all right?" "Stupid?" "About what?" "I don't even know what you're talking about, man." "Hey, what's going on, Mr. Shepherd?" "Mr. Shepherd?" "Hey, Josh." "Mr. Shepherd." "Mr. Shepherd, are you okay?" "Woody Van Buzzkill." "Can I help you?" "Can I help you?" "The guy is obviously deranged." "He just walked right into the school and disrupted class." "I guess he's okay." "Hey, bro." "Thanks, buddy." "You got it." "Yeah, whatever you say." "I get it." "Hey, Mr. Shepherd." "Hi." "I saw a whole new side of you today." "He didn't even know that side of you existed." "I guess he's taking you pretty seriously." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "You know what?" "This is the last time you ever keep a secret from me." "What?" "You didn't write a play." "But I thought that... but you said that you were gonna take it seriously, and..." "I should have known that you wouldn't just write one because it would look good on the transcript." "I didn't want to fail you." "What?" "You care what I think so much that you're willing to sacrifice your playwriting class so that it won't look like a failure on my transcript?" "How could you?" "How could you, Josh?" "Oh, my God, Josh." "You are so emotionally immature!" "When is my play gonna be over anyway?" "There he is." "You got me!" "I'll see you around, loser!" "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "You know what, Mr. Shepherd?" "I like you!" "And you're the reason that I'm gonna write this play and get accepted to Juilliard." "Okay, so, now it's a conspiracy." "You are out of control." "I'm in control." "Well, now it's a conspiracy." "No." "Don't!" "Now it's a conspiracy." "No, don't do it!" "Josh?" "Josh, are you okay?" "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I just got to sit down for a bit." "Okay, well, let's see if we can find you another seat." "Okay, guys." "This isn't very funny." "What is it?" "Look what it says." "See?" "What's it say?" "It says "cocksucker"!" "So what?" "If you don't see what's wrong with this picture, I don't know what will." "Hey, Josh, wait up." "Josh?" "I'm fine." "Are you?" "Yeah, I'm just tired." "It's just a play, Josh." "You don't have to pretend to be nice to me, Toby." "It was my fault." "What was your fault?" "Letting everybody believe that you were writing a play." "You shouldn't have done that, and you were right." "I'm writing a play." "I'm gonna write another one." "You've gotta start looking for schools that won't see the transcripts from this." "Listen, Josh, I hate to say it, but you did nothing but fuck things up." "Excuse me?" "You lost the only girl that ever liked you." "Now, you're getting written about all over school." "This whole thing is completely unfair." "I didn't want to be an actor." "I tried not to be." "You like acting more than anything, and I get it." "You don't want to be a part of what I do, and I'm fine with that." "Don't you want to be a part of what I do?" "You know, I just..." "I want to be free, that's all." "That's really all." "I'll just go this play alone." "Fine." "I'm sorry, Toby." "You're a fucking loser." "That's what you are, Josh." "A loser." "Josh?" "Hello?" "Josh?" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "All right, I'm gonna tell you something." "When your boat docks, I want you to get a taxi." "I want you to go back to your dorm, and I want you to go to bed." "And when you wake up, I want you to call me." "I'll bring you to rehearsal." "You'll have to miss a couple of days of school, but we're gonna get you right back into the show." "It's our new fall show." "We're doing a musical, okay?" "I've got to go." "I love you." "What?" "You're still here?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Are you?" "You see?" "I knew you weren't done with the play yet."