I'll Show You How Threatening I Am." To be fair to him, I'm sure he's forgotten. All that old stuff has been forgotten as far as he's concerned. It doesn't matter anymore. It all happened so long ago. I think about him. But the pain goes. I guess that's the biggest thing about my dad. He would be proud of me now. You know how proud we all are of you, Cuz. I know how difficult it is being in here. But we love you, boy. We're pulling for you. We're out here watching over you. You know that, don't you? You know we have to be good. We have to do our jobs and live up to our responsibilities. And that's why I'm trying to help you and get you through this hard time. You know, sometimes we let things come between us that we shouldn't. I never know who I'm messing with in this room or what their little problems are. I know I'm supposed to stay out of their affairs. I try to do it. But people get a little riled up when things are done. It doesn't matter who they are. I don't care what kind of person you are. Some of these people could have committed terrible crimes, and they have problems. Some of them are in trouble with drugs, alcohol, or one of them has a baby mama or some kind of problem with their wife or girlfriend. And then you have a new guy like me coming into the place. He's supposed to be an example to everybody else, and he's doing the same stupid thing they're doing or the same mistake that they did. And you know, in this work, we have to look good. We have to keep our record clean. We have to make sure that our stats are up. It looks good on our résumés and reports. So we tend to be pretty darned hard on people we think are dirty. People, you see, have no respect for us. They see us as just some kind of hired hand that comes in and does a dirty job. You know, even though we're not like that at all. But we are. At least we're supposed to be. I'll tell you something that I know about. When I was a cop—and that's what I am, whether I like it or not—I had to go back home to my people and be just like everybody else, just to make it back in the world. I got away with it for a while, and it was a good time. But I was young, and I got a little wild. Got in trouble a couple of times. I did some stuff that I'm not proud of. I had my bad days. You know, it's kind of sad, but there you go. In those days, you see, a young buck like me was the scum of the earth. I didn't have much money, but I had some, and I was always on the wrong side of the law. Most times, my life didn't amount to much more than petty larceny and petty theft. But then I found myself up against the big man. And let me tell you, a lot of times it seems like we're going to pull through. We're up against the system, and he comes out on top and he's got you. So you start wondering who's going to win. You think that it's going to be the big man, but it isn't. It's us, man, he's just got us all wrong, because he doesn't understand us. And I'm just saying, what I'm saying is, when you understand yourself and you know who you are, you get it right. You know you are what you are. When the chips are down and you have to face up to what is expected of you and you do it, you're a winner. You're good at what you do. It's just that we're taught to be better than what we are. That's all. We're told that we should be like everybody else. And you know what? People like that are nothing but chickenshit. People, you know, like my family, well, they think I have all the advantages, and they don't want me to make mistakes. But I know I can't have it both ways. I can't have the things I want to have and do the things I want to do. Well, I mean, in this work I can't have that, but there are lots of jobs, though, that I can have everything and still get away with doing what I want to do. And that's what makes me mad about it, you know, because I've never been a bad guy. I mean, you have to be, or you wouldn't be here or in this room. I've never done anything wrong or violated my basic principles or gotten involved in anything illegal, or done anything to hurt anybody. But when I come around here and my people tell me about what you've done, it's all a little too much for me. I can't say that what you've done is right, but I don't know what to do. You know, you're guilty as hell in my book. But I'm not saying you deserve to be in here, and I'm not going to judge you. I'm just going to do my job, but you know, my dad would be pissed off at me. My dad was a cop and he loved cops. That's how come we were so close. When I first got out of prison, I was working as a private security guard. I tried to get a job as a police officer and was turned down a couple of times, but finally I got a job working for the FBI on the Drug Enforcement Administration Task Force. We were all doing background investigations and checking on these people. I mean, at that point I didn't know that I was going to be here at all. It was a job that I needed. But when I got this job, I was so proud, you know, and I thought, "Man, you can do a lot of things in the world, man." You can be a policeman and help people get along, you know, or maybe teach some of these kids the right way. You know what I mean? You can work in a hospital and make people happy and help them. I could see myself doing all kinds of stuff. But all that fell apart when I met you. I wanted to just keep checking you out, but you were moving too fast. Then that damn court date, you know, I'm telling you about, and my head was spinning. There's no doubt in my mind that you're going to tell the truth. I just can't picture that happening. If you were me, I'd just kill myself. How could you get this bad? How can someone do this? How can I be involved with this? It doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, at least not until I hear your side of it. I guess it's something to do with what kind of mother you had. Do you have any kids? It must be something like that. Some problems with the mother. Something got you into this. Maybe it was a bad marriage. But I'm going to put the full blame on you, boy. I know what you've been doing. I know you were involved. I know that somebody told me about you and this other guy who was involved, and this girl, with what they did. And now I know they were doing crack and stuff with your gun. And that's what I want to talk about here. I think I know you better than the average guy. It's something in the way you've been acting. I guess it's hard for me to accept that you're innocent. But I know that what you're telling me is the truth. I mean, you can always tell the truth. I know you've had a hard time here in the system. You were at Oak Hill a while. And the whole thing at Huntingdon in Pennsylvania. Some of the stuff that happened here—that stuff really got to me. But that's the kind of stuff they can make stick to you if they have a reason, you know what I mean. I know you're scared, and I want you to know that we're with you. You see, we always stick together. We always watch out for each other. We have to protect each other in here, especially after the things that have happened to us. We have to be loyal to one another and stick together. You understand, don't you? I'll tell you what I'd do if I were you. If I was to see that I'm going to stay in this cell and rot away, I'd kill myself. Well, I'd probably wait for the first opportunity. I'm not going to let them find your body in this place, and I'm not going to cut my own throat. I'll just let the system take care of it. I can tell you this, though, don't talk about it and don't think about it. Just get back to yourself. You've got a long road ahead. You just have to keep your head up and not give in. You gotta stay strong. Get through this, and that's the important thing. It's your job to hold out as long as you can. But your head's down, man, you know what I mean? Just like it's in here, because you don't have any support. You don't have any friends. And