Release me. Now. Or I will have to take a more ... drastic course of action.' His friends agreed, and after leaving the group briefly, he returned and said: 'Let's hear Nietzsche next, shall we?' One of his friends told him that he'd forgotten to do the dishes, and the guy's response was: 'Why?' Weird, right? Weird, or brilliant? A teacher was discussing a child whom she had seen in the playground. 'A little boy of seven came over to me and pointed to a large stain on the ground and said, ' This must be the stain from an elephant.' One of his friends, who was standing at a distance overheard the conversation, and asked him: ' What do you play at elephants?' 'What do you mean?' 'How do you go about playing elephants?' The guy thought about this for a while and then replied: 'What do you play at?' So after the friend had repeated the question to him, he was understandably confused and said: 'What do you mean?' His friend explained: 'Look, you say to a friend: 'Hey, look at this stain, it must be a large elephant-track.' Or, 'There must be an elephant nearby.' That's playing at the elephant. You must give me your phone number or email address in order to keep in touch with you. 'I already know your phone number,' the guy told her. 'But I don't know yours,' she replied, ' I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.' So, you've all met our friend Max. I know you haven't but, he's the guy who asked me to send him a copy of this list of elephant jokes. Here's the rest of the list. So far, we have: 1. Why did the elephant go into the pub? Because it wanted a drink. 2. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to pull the fire alarm, and one to collect the old one. 3. Why didn't the elephant wear rubber boots? Because he's going on vacation soon. 4. What do you call a thousand elephants stampeding through your living room? A foot. 5. Two elephants are sitting in the jungle. One has a frog in its hand, and the other asks: 'What's that?' 'It's a frog,' replies the first. 6. How many elephants does it take to move a tree? None. They're too big. 7. How do you get 12 elephants into a Mini? You have to push it. 8. A woman gives birth to a baby elephant. And then she takes him home. 9. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a frog? A Frog Elephant. 10. What do you get if you cross a frog with a duck? A Muddy Puddle. 11. Why do frogs hop? Because they want to. 12. How do you keep an elephant out of a hall? Put it in a box. 13. What's the difference between a one-ton elephant and a one-ton elephant sitting on the ground? One-ton. 14. Why did the elephant get fired? He kept smoking cigars in his office. 15. What's the difference between an elephant and a washing machine? The elephant doesn't mind the stains. 16. Why did the elephant kill itself? Because he couldn't get out of the room. 17. A man is running at full tilt. A bull elephant steps onto the path in front of him and says: 'Pardon me.' 18. What do you call an elephant at the zoo that has lost its hair? A bald one. 19. What do you call an elephant when it can't find your bathroom? An elephant with a cold. 20. How do you recognise an elephant in the dark? His hands. 21. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and two to talk about it. 22. What's a two-ton elephant doing on a one-man seesaw? It is the elephant seesaw. 23. What is the difference between an elephant and a lawnmower? An elephant doesn't need to be sharpened. 24. What is the difference between an elephant and a lawnmower? An elephant doesn't need to be sharpened. 25. An elephant doesn't walk up to a hotdog stand. It just eats the hotdogs. 26. How do you catch an elephant? You find its ears. 27. How do you kill an elephant? You tie it to the flag pole. 28. What is the best height of elephant? Meter. 29. How do you get an elephant out of a tree? Give him a bag of peanuts. 30. What is the difference between a one-ton elephant and a one- ton elephant sitting on the ground? One ton. 31. How do you make a herd of elephants go to the bathroom? Stop to pee. 32. What did the elephant say to the frog? We're not in Alabama anymore. 33. What did the elephant say to the frog? Give me a kiss and I'll let you go. 34. What did the elephant say to the frog? Please don't hit me. 35. How do you know an elephant isn't pregnant? It has two trunks. 36. What is an elephant's favourite meal? A nice ripe watermelon. 37. Why do elephants trumpet? To find water. 38. How does an elephant get into a car? It sits on its front and turns the ignition key. 39. Why did the elephant go to the party? Because it wanted to. 40. How did the elephant get into the plane? It gave the pilot a back massage. 41. Why is the gorilla so dangerous? Because it has such bad breath. 42. What is an elephant's favourite song? The Moo song. 43. What kind of car is designed for an elephant? An elephant taxi. 44. What did the cow say to the elephant? Aah! 45. What did the elephant say to the cow? Aah! 46. Where's the elephant? Hiding in the Elephant's tree. 47. What did the elephant say to the rabbit? What can make an elephant go faster? A carrot! 48. Why is an elephant so scared of a cat? Because it weighs less than a mouse. 49. What did the pig say to the elephant? 'Can I share your trunk?' 50. Where did the elephant sit for the best show? The Last Leg Show. 51. What did the elephant say to the elephant? Aah! 52. What did the elephant say to the elephant? Aah! 53. How do you catch a baby elephant? Just look at it. 54. What did the mother elephant say to her child? Aah! 55. What did the elephant say to the old lady? Aah! 56. What did the elephant say to the elephant? Aah! 57. Why are there so many