Kill or Be Killed: The Survivor in Every of Us is about the power of the will. Not only does the book make the case that not everyone who has experienced extreme trauma becomes sociopathic and dysfunctional, it suggests that even the most horribly abused among us can learn to re-invent our lives and be in control of our destiny. What’s more, it points to ways in which we can be a blessing to others.
While I don’t think there’s an absolute answer to the question of whether sociopathy is an inborn, or an acquired trait, I do believe that many of us get to choose how we use the power of our will. It’s always available to us, no matter how long ago or how great our trauma or damage was. Our choices either build on and maintain what’s within, or they do the opposite and tear down, weaken, or even destroy the qualities that are the highest expression of who we truly are.
I’m convinced that sociopaths choose differently. Why would they if they didn’t have a choice? It’s an intriguing hypothesis – that some of us have chosen the road to ruin out of fear, or from a desire for power, or even in order to avoid more suffering. And, it’s true that some people do seem to be doomed from the start, because their brains are so damaged from trauma that they will always be victims, whether they’re aware of it or not. That, of course, doesn’t apply to sociopaths, who live on the same planet as you and me. They’re part of the family.
Ultimately, I don’t think that sociopaths and the families they’ve left behind should be vilified or judged in any way, or treated with more scorn and suspicion than most other humans.
While I know what it’s like to be a person who has been targeted and victimized by sociopaths, I can also say that I’ve spent a great deal of time around some of the most disturbed and disheveled specimens, and in many ways, they seem like the most normal, functional people I’ve ever met.
Just as each of us has a unique temperament and character, none of us is a blank slate, able to absorb only what we’re exposed to in our upbringing. Our biology plays an important role in who we are and what we choose to do with it, and the sociopath is often one of the most resilient, powerful, courageous individuals I know.
Of course, none of this should be taken to mean that everyone should just give sociopaths a pass, and that we should just accept them in our lives with a wink and a nod. We don’t have to. We can choose to be aware of our vulnerabilities, to look for our own clues as to what sociopaths are all about. And we can choose to take responsibility for our own lives and to use our greatest gift, our own willpower, to take charge of our own destinies.
There are many ways we can each choose to use our powers, including making a conscious decision to live in the moment and embrace each and every day as it comes. That might be a decision we can make to choose to love each other, to keep hope alive, to do the very best we can with what we’ve got and leave the rest up to the universe.
Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about when I tell you I’ve been in touch with my psychic self, but there are many ways to experience contact with a greater, unseen part of yourself that can never be lost, no matter how broken and lost you feel.
I’ve been told that contact with the spirit realm through prayer, meditation, or even a simple intention can bring a deep sense of peace and serenity to our lives. When I was still struggling to know what I was doing with my life, I didn’t understand it at the time, but for several years before I experienced a sense of meaning, and it came through simple prayer and meditation. So, don’t discount them. Prayers and meditations are powerful forces for good and we can learn to focus and connect with them more fully. That practice becomes an anchor for whatever we choose to believe, including all the qualities of love that will never change.
Believe me when I tell you that you can choose to live in the moment, if that’s how you want to live. If you’re an artist, it’s your job to take in the beauty that comes every day, whether you think you see it or not. If you’re a scientist or someone who works in science, the same is true of you. So is the chef and the painter and the musician, and every other job in the world that requires us to use our talents.
You may see a lot of evil, or negativity, in your life, and I understand that. I’m still coming to grips with that fact, after forty years of searching for meaning and purpose. For me, it all came together through the power of my will and my imagination and my ability to see myself and my life as they are, and not as I wished them to be. But I can’t deny that I have a very long way to go to catch up with reality. I still have to learn to let go of the expectations I have of myself, and of the expectations others have of me. Sometimes I can’t even figure out what those expectations might be. And when I can let go of those expectations, a lot of my problems disappear.
But a good reminder that nothing is impossible – that there’s a light at the end of every tunnel – comes from my dog, a golden retriever. When he can’t find his way home, he heads back to the farm where we live, determined to find his way out. There’s an old dirt road there that leads to an orchard, but there are a number of small hills that stand between the road and the orchard.
He decides to tackle those hills. Every single time. I know it’s a metaphor, but I don’t understand what he’s doing in his own world. I have no idea why he has to climb over every single hill in his quest to find his way home. But he keeps doing it. He won’t leave me a choice; if I want to keep him safe, I have to put him on a leash and force him to follow me.
And so, I learned the same thing about life. If we want to live, we have to let go of our expectations and move forward, knowing that this world is only one place on this beautiful planet, and that all of its parts are beautiful, too. We have to trust and believe that our path is right for us. And that we will find our way through any challenge.
We don’t always know in advance how we will handle something, but just like my dog, we do what we need to do in order to protect ourselves. As long as we’re living, we have the opportunity to try to figure out what we need to do to feel whole and complete.
Like the rest of us, sociopaths are born with a specific range of talents and abilities. As in any group, some sociopaths are more natural than others, and some of them are better than others. As with anyone, their skills may be sharpened through practice and training. But just as they can use their brains to do both good and bad things, they can also use their minds to help them develop the skills they need to live happier, more productive, and ultimately more spiritually fulfilling lives.
I’m not offering you any magical solutions, and I’m certainly not selling any books. But I have learned a few simple things from my own struggles, and I’d like to share them with you. Perhaps I can help you. And maybe we can even become friends.
Sociopaths need structure, but they also need to learn to let go of their egos, their demands, their needs, and even their anger. They may be very bright and creative, but they also like predictability, a routine, a sense of place, belonging, security, an environment that makes sense. Without that security, or without a sense of belonging, sociopaths can become unruly and dangerous and destructive. They can try to destroy the people they care about, and the people who care about them.
That’s why it’s important for them to develop a sense of stability and security. How do they get that? By spending time with friends and family, by getting an education and learning about something they enjoy, by keeping up on what’s going on in the world, and learning to cope with how life challenges them.
Of course, there are all kinds of things that can be done to keep sociopaths from hurting themselves or anyone else. You have to know who you’re dealing with and where they are, where they’ve been. Where they’ve been is also where they will go, in the future, with or without the help of the people around them. I’ve been in the business of being in contact with sociopaths for so many years now that I can almost predict what they will do in any given situation. Not always, mind you, but often.
But you can never predict everything. There are no fail-safe solutions for a dangerous animal like a sociopath. No
