FTL is not possible, but Dr. Jones proceeded to offer great insight with the words, "If only it were so, that we could find some way to give the illusion that the world is as it seems, and to have all the facts in order, then, indeed, the world would be in a good state, and we could all understand ourselves and our feelings... but how could we possibly do that?" What could it mean? I could only reflect that he spoke the truth: we all look forward to dying in order to become immortal beings; we need to understand why we act this way, that's how the 'light' would make us different. To understand ourselves and others is the best way to find happiness. If it turns out that immortality is not possible, all this may be 'unimportant', but just then, the doctor's words were important, and I was willing to take his advice. I took out a pencil and paper and wrote, 'All men are born as blind to the truth, but the light must find its way into our minds, lest we are stuck in darkness.' ##### ## I DID NOTHING WITH THE TEN DOLLARS (1894–1899) "How much did you get in return for this?" I knew that my question would be difficult to answer. "A little, but it was all I could get in the end. I just had to be a little more discreet and look a little more respectable than they thought. The main thing was to make it look as if I did this all by myself." "I see. But you had to carry a heavy bundle and look after an invalid..." "Yes. When I looked at it from that angle, it looked so easy." "It wasn't easy. To carry a package that weight by yourself without help, that was quite hard." "Yes, of course it was. How should I have gone about it?" "You should have called someone to help you. If you took the bus, you could have called someone to help you carry the package." "I know. I had the idea at that time that there was someone I could call. But I didn't have anyone's name or number, I only had a vague notion that there would be someone I could trust. Then, right away I remembered the 'salesman', who'd been visiting every night. I didn't know if it would have been an idea to try talking to him again. "I called him and told him all about it. He asked why I wanted to sell it, and if I had any experience. And he told me to get all the money I could and asked me if I had enough. I told him I thought I had enough. I had to show him what I'd got. He seemed very interested, he said he would tell his boss, that if it went to trial, the police might discover I had the money, but since I hadn't stolen it, it would be more likely that they'd just charge me a price for the sale of it. Then he said, 'Do you think you can make a sale with this?' I told him, 'I think I can.' The 'salesman' told me to take the rest of the money and give it to the wife of the old man. Then he asked me, 'Where are you going to live?' and I told him that I wasn't sure. Then, at that point, he told me to stop here. He said that he'd be coming to see me again in a few days. We had a handshake deal. If he hadn't come for me the next day, I would have gone for a bus to the station. If the bus didn't take me to the station, I would have gone to the nearest station to buy a ticket." "What about the police?" "What about them? I got out at the 'station' and went to see if there was a train to where I was going. There wasn't. I sat down, ate a loaf of bread and a piece of cheese, and went to sleep. When I woke up, it was morning, I got a train ticket and arrived at my destination." "So you didn't buy a ticket?" "Of course not! I just sat there on the platform and found a train. I hadn't done anything illegal." "Wasn't it risky for you?" "Not really. It would have been risky if I had bought a ticket. Then they might have asked, 'What are you doing with a ticket for?" "I see... All right, I understand. Thank you very much for telling me all this. I see that you did the best you could for yourself." (1901) ### THE TURN OF THE SCREW (1920) ##### ## I HAD TO TRUST THEM (1927) The next story will seem very strange to you, perhaps you won't believe it. Let me tell you about it, and if you find it believable, you'll understand everything. But please don't think that I'm trying to deceive you. It's the opposite. If you're a real friend, you won't make fun of me. I'm doing this so you won't think that I'm a complete fool. The truth is that, when I was just beginning to be aware of how bad things were, I suddenly realized how ridiculous and absurd they were. At first, I was content just to ignore them, but then I wanted to do something to put a stop to the absurdities. I can't forget the time when I left school. When I think back to that time, I'm struck by how ridiculous it was, and how I acted at that time. I can remember the first day I entered secondary school. A number of my friends and I had already become interested in the various studies, but when I first began school, I thought I should also take up the study of math. Math was a mystery to me. I would have been content to study it with my friends; I thought I would be able to understand it. My mother and father taught me to write and to count. I understood that if I wrote, I would understand it later. But I still didn't understand it. It wasn't that I wasn't willing to learn, but that I thought I couldn't become good at it. I would rather have died than write. The teacher who taught my class would take me in to meet her private tutor. I would be taken into the office, and would start by waiting for a long time. I thought I had been waiting for a very long time, and when I was told to enter, I walked in with a sense of dread. When I sat down, my tutor would ask me what I'd learned so far. I always had a problem with the ' _tutó_ ' as I called him, because he did nothing to help me. Sometimes he'd ask me to do things, but he was too impatient and would often leave the room. I was always afraid. I also had a lot of difficulty with the ' _tutó_ ' in English, because he never taught me. He was supposed to ask me questions, so that we could get better together. But it was always the same thing, he'd come in, ask me a question and then ask me again. I was always afraid that if I said the wrong thing, it would be my last chance. Sometimes I would say something stupid and he would ask me what I'd done to myself. I was too embarrassed to say anything. I'd just leave the room, and when he asked me what I'd done, I'd try to pretend I hadn't understood. From the beginning, the lessons were bad. It was impossible to put it into words. It was simply that I did not know how to translate it into terms I could understand. The teacher would put a problem and I wouldn't understand it at all. This caused a great deal of confusion. I spent the entire class day after day trying to work out the meanings of the incomprehensible questions. The only thing that was clear to me was that they were totally impossible to figure out. I'd spent half my time trying to puzzle it out, and the other half of my time pretending I'd understood it when I hadn't. When it was time for tests, I would bring my work to the teacher's table. I would make sure my answers were right, and when I'd finished, I would ask to go. To my teachers, I was like an idiot: they would shake their heads and say, "It's just a waste of time to waste your time." But this caused me to lose more of my time. After school, I would often go home late. Sometimes, if I could not get home before it was dark, I would run. I would have to go back and take a bus or walk through the dark. Sometimes I would wake up really early in the morning. I thought it would be fine if my mother and father were also awake, so that they could let me sleep until the afternoon. But I knew that they wouldn't do that. For