Big Win, Big Decision, Big Mistake? "My decision to quit the band was the biggest mistake I ever made," Renee says. "The band was my life and I missed it so much. My dad told me to make the best decision I could and I thought I could do that by putting myself first. My mistake was that I did that by throwing in the towel." It wasn't a total slam dunk for Renee, though. "I was really upset and thought I would be okay. The first couple of months weren't so bad, but then my family found out about my mom's relationship with that man, and it didn't take long before they asked me why I quit," she says. "They knew exactly why and I had to come up with all these fake reasons." Renee's family supported her decision to move in with her boyfriend and helped her get a job at a car rental company. She soon felt suffocated. "After three months I felt like I was losing my identity as an adult," she says. "I felt old at twenty-eight." Renee's relationship quickly turned abusive. "He'd snap at me, yell, and scream. It would go on for hours and my sister and mom would have to stop it," she says. "I did what I could to change it. I even bought a gun, but I never pulled it out." Renee's mother, on the other hand, is unwavering in her belief that Renee has a future in music. Renee says, "She even wants me to play at her funeral, if something should happen." Her father believes the same thing, and he has started asking Renee for song ideas. He says, "It's not like they need a hit, but I think this is important to you and I want you to share what is going on in your life right now." Renee has started turning some of those songs into songs for her bandmates. Her sister and her boyfriend have also encouraged her to continue writing, and Renee has taken that to heart. She says, "I realize now that I need to take care of my family before I take care of myself. I have to give them what they need." **Sitting in His Armchair** Somewhere along the way most of us forget that parents are on our team. It's an unspoken rule of life that your parents, like your best friend, will always be there when you need them, no matter what. We forget that. We put them through so much and we don't always see it. We walk around, not realizing how much we're hurting their feelings. We are responsible for this. It is our job to understand our parents better and be more aware of our behaviors toward them. It isn't the other way around. Don't be upset if your parents try to speak to you and you don't pick up. It is really hard for them to talk to you if you just walk away. **A Note from Dr. Brian:** _One way that some parents fail to respect and take care of their children's emotions is by overfocusing on their academic progress._ _So they are putting in all this energy trying to make sure their kid does well in school, and it's not something that necessarily means a lot to the child. It's almost like the kid could care less. So the parents then, because of this, have to put so much more energy into trying to fix or make this into a positive experience. However, it's hard because kids have a hard time trusting that you have their best interests at heart. And they're right. We are so focused on academics, but we need to remember our children._ **We Put Parents On a Pedestal** Sometimes, in trying to be our best, we push our parents away and push them into the role of superhero. It is great for them. They are great parents. But we need to have more. We need to be able to share emotions and cry with our parents. That's because most parents already feel like superheroes and see us as a real-life Peter Pan. Parents love their kids more than anything. They love that kid so much, sometimes they're worried that their kids will leave them for a new kid. They don't care what your brother does or where he goes. If he leaves them for another mom, you're it. That makes the parents feel like they're a parent to one of their children for the first time. Parents are usually so happy they have their family all together in one house or apartment. Now they feel like there's someone else that is really missing. It's because they love you more than anything. There are times when parents are also put into a negative box. They hear so many parents say they love their kids but they want to pull their hair out. Sometimes parents are exhausted and they're fed up and mad. Parents don't like that. They are really trying to do the right thing and keep the kid safe, and at the end of the day it's okay to say that sometimes, "Hey, I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed. I love you, but this kid isn't easy." "I need your help and I want you to want to help," they're saying. It's not that they're saying we're wrong; they just need a break sometimes. It's not even about us; it's about them. And parents can get hurt a lot, too, by being superinvolved in their kids' lives. They get injured, emotionally. It's too much and a lot of the time, they're just trying to be human. They need to take some time for themselves, too. It's important to realize that parents don't want to hurt our feelings. They don't want to make us feel bad. It's just that they're people, too. And they want to get something out of life, too. You can tell them what you like or don't like all you want, but they're not going to give it up until they get to it themselves. **If You're Not Talking About It** Parents have this thing where they want to share everything with you—every single thing—without letting you in on what's going on in their head. They think you can read their minds. They're thinking, "I'm so lucky to be able to live through my kids and have a life of happiness. They have a shot at success," and they want to share that with you. The truth is, if they could talk to you, they would. That's the thing: They would. And if they could, they'd say it all in one breath. Sometimes they want to cry, sometimes they want to smile, and sometimes they just want to talk. I've heard the parents say it straight out: "I really don't need to talk about this, and I don't want to talk about this. You're lucky to be alive and walking on earth." Sometimes they don't even want to talk about it and they still feel guilty because of their emotions. Sometimes it's the opposite. I've heard parents say, "Well, let me talk about this because I need you to understand that I'm very happy and I'm really proud of you and I love you." But here's the thing: They don't even get it at the same time we do. When you're on a stage, you're not thinking about the little kid that has a cough. Sometimes it seems like we don't see the good things about each other at the same time. What I mean is that even if you're telling your kids you love them and you like how they're doing in school, it's not like you're going to remember it the next day. You're just saying it. We're so worried about our lives that we're not even present when we're around our kids. And then we get mad that they don't love us, because they can't see everything that we see. Sometimes we take things too personally. Sometimes we're taking something a little personally because we don't understand. Our parents can feel that way, too, sometimes, but it's hard to realize it when you're in the same house, looking at the same walls. It's hard to realize your family is so important and life is so short. It's not easy to see it when it's there every single day. So maybe we shouldn't try to make it any easier for you, because you're missing it. For example, you see a kid crying. You say, "Hey, what's wrong?" and he says, "My mom and dad just split up. They got a divorce." What do you say? Because it might not be what you really mean. Let's say it's something bigger and more complicated than that. You say, "Man, I'm so sorry that's going on." But how do you really feel? You feel bad. It's no surprise that your mom and dad are going through some stuff, too. **We Try to Fix Our Kids Instead of Loving Them** Some parents try to fix our kids before they even really have a chance to fix themselves. It happens so fast sometimes. And sometimes parents are afraid to let us do our own thing. They're so concerned that we will get hurt or lose everything.