I am thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight, if it’s wrong of me to say so. I hope you have a nice, peaceful and productive holiday. I had a very hard week and a lot of the stress came from not knowing how things are going with you. We all should be so lucky, but I’m not that lucky. Keep in mind that I’m always thinking of you and I always wish I was there with you. I love you! So, I decided to give the “Happy Holidays” a rest and go right to the New Year’s cards. This year I’m only giving out “A Merry Christmas” and “Merry New Year” cards because I decided it was time to start living my own life, and if that means I miss out on the “Happy Holidays” card then so be it. If you are offended at this year’s greeting or if you take offense to what I said in the previous post, then again, I don’t give a shit. I know how you feel and I am going to make sure you are okay. Just keep in mind that your family is not going to be okay. It’s going to be a lonely Christmas for a lot of people. I’m doing my best to be there for as many as possible, but sometimes it’s hard. If you are in my life and you don’t think I’m a total asshole, then I’m probably okay. If you are a member of my family and you don’t think I’m an ass, then I’m probably okay. If you think I’m not a great person, then I can deal. But if you are too chicken shit to accept me or disagree with me, then you can get lost and go fuck yourself. Let me ask you this: have you ever considered just pretending you agree with me just to be nice? Did you really have to say that crap about me? Or is it that you are actually like me? Maybe I’m not who you thought I was, I’ve gotten a few complaints about that over the years. For the time being, in the spirit of the holiday, I’m calling for a moratorium on anything Christmas-related until this thing plays out. This means no exchanging gifts, getting cards, decorating trees, buying holiday music CDs, buying gifts, thinking about shopping or Christmas parties. Don’t think that just because the holidays are over that everyone in your life suddenly comes back to normal. You don’t know what you’re getting into, and you may have your first look at this shit the hard way, and I just want to make sure you know what’s coming. I had a little chat with myself last night after I came home and watched the end of Grey’s Anatomy season 3. It’s probably a stupid thing to write about myself on my blog, but I wanted to share what I said to myself. I told myself that it’s now the end of December and that the Christmas season is essentially over. As the saying goes, “It’s about me, not the gift,” and I am living it. I’ve been living it for at least a couple of weeks now, if not longer. It’s time to take stock of what I learned in my life, what I want out of life, and just how I feel. I think it’s fair to say that the things that have come out of my mouth in my life have been pretty much based on the negative. Every time I’ve had an opinion, it’s always come from a negative viewpoint. I guess it really is true what they say. There are a lot of things that are hard to deal with in life and the problems in our world are not going to go away over night. The more positive energy we give out in the world, the better off it will be. We can’t stop the things that are happening to us, but we can decide to let go of the things that we are making up in our heads. When we let go of all the negativity in our minds, we end up in a state where we can choose the kind of day we want to have. I feel like I’m at the point where I am making the choice. When I told myself that there is no Santa Claus, I was ready to embrace the present. When I told myself that I had no business buying gifts for people, I was willing to embrace the present. When I told myself that Christmas is a holiday full of commercialism and consumerism, it’s time to embrace the present. I have lived in Santa Cruz for so long that this is the most important part of my life. At this point, it’s what I know best and what I am good at. I want to make it the best I can. I can’t do that if I’m stuck in the past. It’s time to embrace the present and embrace all the good that it can offer me. I hope this is the year of the “A Merry Christmas.” I have spent a lot of time thinking about what life can be about. It’s been a journey that I have been on for several years. I have been an adult since I was 18, but I still have a lot of learning to do. I am still figuring things out and figuring out what I really want out of life. As I have said to myself before, you never grow up. It’s easy to go through life with your shit together, but that never makes you happy. The older I get, the more I realize that life is about being happy with yourself and everything around you, even if that means being alone at times. I also know that it’s going to be a work in progress and I am not afraid of where it will take me. This year has been really tough, but I’m doing my best to embrace it and make the most of it. It’s all up to me. The only way out is through. My only worry is that I don’t let it affect my loved ones. I do feel bad about how things have affected them, though, but it’s their problem not mine. The thing about things like this is that the way you deal with them makes you who you are. I think it might be time for me to learn how to talk about this stuff and hopefully start dealing with some of the hard things I have buried within me. Maybe it’s because I just read The Moo Man Goes To Moo School and it inspired me to start using some bad words. I know for a fact that I can’t say some of the shit that comes out of my mouth without using curse words. Hopefully I can have a dialogue with my family that I’m not the asshole that I can seem to be. It’s my birthday today. I’m officially 49 years old. It doesn’t seem like that much. This time last year I was just waiting to meet my father in-law so that I could meet the most important person in my life, my husband. Now here I am about to celebrate my 49th birthday and I haven’t felt this happy and contented in a long time. I am truly living a perfect life in the here and now. My mom once told me that when you are young, everyone tells you that you can do anything. Once you get older, though, that no longer is the case. When you are younger, everyone around you wants you to succeed and you can reach for the stars and even fly. When you reach your peak, everyone will tell you what you can’t do and they will tell you it’s too late. I’m the older version of this. When I was younger, everyone told me that I could do anything and anything that I wanted. Now, as I get older, everyone is telling me that I can’t do anything and that it’s too late. I’ve gone through an awful lot in my 49 years and I’ve seen a lot of shit. I’m kind of glad that my mom was able to experience what I’m going through. Her mom had a lot to deal with as well. I had an odd birthday weekend. I spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself yesterday after watching Grey’s Anatomy season 3 (GASP!!!). I also felt my first case of depression in over 20 years yesterday. Sometimes I feel guilty for doing that because I think it’s going to upset my husband. Last night, I was crying in the bathtub and I said to myself, “What the hell am I doing?” I don’t know where I’m going with all of this, but I think it’s going to be a long road that I have to travel. I had a nice birthday with my husband. I spent it playing video games, playing with the dogs and spending time with my family. I don’t feel like much changed, but I feel like I’ve grown up. I’ve come to the conclusion that life doesn’t last forever. I feel like I got into college early. I’m not sure where I’m going to end up, but I hope I can keep going for a long time and make something out of myself that makes me happy and content. I’ve only just come to realize that I can actually be happy and content in the here and now. I’m not going to lie and say that it’s a life-changing experience. It has been that way for the last several days and the more I