You Call, We'll Haul With the exception of the aforementioned "I'll Call You" list, please leave off the word "Please." We know how much you love to say it, and we know that we already have a ton of "can"s, "will"s," and "dang"s in your life, and so we would really prefer to keep that word off the reservation. **"I Couldn't Possibly Possibly Possibly Possibly Possibly"** If you absolutely, positively have to use one of these words because you're having trouble saying no, please use "definitely," "positively," "absolutely," or "in no uncertain terms." These words are very helpful in the art of convincing someone you've done their hair at some point in the past two weeks. **"The Possibilibibliity of Possibilty"** Please skip the word "the." It's not helpful. Unless the possibility involves making a mistake or being wrong, in which case we fully support your use of the word. _Dear Alex_ , _I'm not a huge fan of making lists, but I love your lists. So here goes_ : _What's the worst?_ _One of my co-workers is in love with an extremely attractive man who has a beautiful family and doesn't actually want to break up with them to be with her. It's kind of sad, actually. She's so sad when she goes to the movies with him, because she says she wishes she could be in his family, too, since they are perfect_. _What's the best?_ _For the longest time, my mother and I had trouble finding things to watch together. One of us was obsessed with a particular show, so one night we both put on the shows we liked best and then read them aloud to each other, like we were doing a reading group together. We still do it sometimes_. _My father is a smart and talented man, and he has a whole life that he wants to lead that doesn't include me and my family. I guess it's too bad we can't all be on the same side of a board game like Monopoly, because he'd win every time_. _Your words of encouragement are always so helpful. Thank you for all you do for the youngins_. _—Amanda_ _Dear Amanda_ , _A listicle for the ages! You're a genius. I'm so happy that you are getting a second chance to read Monopoly with your father. I'd be willing to bet your parents didn't think the game was nearly as satisfying as the one you played with your mom and dad! I'd also love to hear about your next big find, so please send me an e-mail with a follow-up question or idea. And, as always, if you have any ideas or questions about using the List, don't hesitate to ask me! My inbox is ever so slightly full with items from you, so don't be shy_. # # I'm Not That Fat! I Have Fitness as My Number-One Priority Dear Alex, You have a lot of really interesting things to say. You are an encyclopedic scholar of human behavior, and I always like reading you because you are like a good friend giving me a play-by-play of how they're experiencing the world. I look forward to reading you for years to come. With that said, this can be annoying because sometimes you make stuff up as you go, and you can't even remember the things you say, like what your grandmother's birthday is or that weird thing you saw on the internet about the time you fell on your head while climbing the mountain. I mean, sometimes I wonder why I even talk to you at all because it's so dang complicated and, come to think of it, probably not very good for my weight. # **I Didn't Say I Was "Not That Fat"** In my experience, there are basically only three types of people in the world: those who make weight loss lists, people who don't care about these things, and people who want to look at pictures of cats and not think about the ways in which they've been manipulated by the patriarchy. Here is your guide on how to figure out which of these three groups you belong to. # **List-makers:** • Have lists (lots of them) • Share pictures of their diets • Have made a personal list of things to complain about in their lives # **Non-list-makers:** • Don't think about things on a daily basis • Have never thought about "stuff" they "shouldn't" be thinking about • Could never imagine why someone would create a list about "stuff" they "shouldn't" be thinking about • Will spend all day thinking about "stuff" they "shouldn't" be thinking about • Think about "stuff" they "shouldn't" be thinking about all the time # **Caretakers of the status quo:** • Hate to consider, but are aware of, the current political and cultural climate • Have seen every diet show, with the exception of _The Biggest Loser_ • Could never fathom that other people don't share their beliefs, either in their family or their friends' families • Have always believed themselves to be a lot smarter than people who haven't gone to a lot of trouble to maintain their weight • Don't think about whether they've gained weight at all on any given day • Think about whether they've gained weight on any given day until they do actually gain weight, at which point they immediately forget all about it • Don't want to talk about their exercise habits, either • Feel completely comfortable referring to their friends' weight and dieting habits as "a thing" or a "mystery" • Believe that weight loss is for thin people only, but will suddenly turn on a dime and make you feel as though you have some kind of obligation to talk about their family's weight and exercise habits with you • Are very good at pretending to know what people really need, but will always fail to offer up an appropriate recommendation for your own weight loss progress (e.g., "Oh, a salad," "Let me know if you want to get dessert after dinner," or "Maybe if you didn't eat so many chips, you could go on that hike") # **If you can't tell, I am of the "I've been doing all these things all along!" persuasion.** **Dance class?** "Yes. I love dancing!" **Fancy walker or treadmill?** "My son is obsessed with those things, so of course I love them!" **Strength training?** "Well, I do love that I'm starting to get some definition in my arms and legs. Those things really can help." **Hiking?** "I'd love to do more hikes! But, to be honest, I don't have the time." **Bicycling?** "I've been trying to start it up again this week!" # **What if you don't exercise at all?** "I started last week! Or...maybe it was two weeks ago? Ahem. So, I've been trying to work out. I've been walking, and I've been lifting stuff. I even went running, for heaven's sake. I feel great!" "Why do you feel so good about that?" "I don't know. Because I actually did it. I wanted to just take the weight off because of this thing that was happening in my stomach, but I really just wanted to get back to the way I was before and I know that there are a lot of small, easy things that can help me do that. But before I say anything else, let me just say that it really was a lot easier for me to take the weight off because I'm trying to lose weight, so thank you for asking, because that's what got this started." # **What about the weight loss part?** "You're right—it's not like I'm on a cleanse or anything. Like, obviously I'm enjoying foods I wouldn't want to go away. But it is one of those things where if I eat something I don't feel like feeling guilty about, it's like I did the workout, too. Like, I knew that exercise was important because I've worked out in the past. And I knew eating is important because that's part of the problem. And so I was just going to try to work on that and maybe figure out a way to balance it all out, and I just wanted to do all of that at the same time." "Well, good for you. Like I said, I'll be sending you a list. Okay?" # **Non-list-makers:** • Are afraid to think about weight loss because they're afraid of having a fat body • Are afraid of using their phones for anything except checking Facebook and playing Candy Crush Saga • Would rather have their pictures taken in front of a vending machine filled with Kit Kats than a fitness machine at the gym • Have spent most of their adult