Pulling Your Own Weight" You make mistakes. That's okay. Own them and learn from them. Everyone who's ever taken a shower has done the following: thought about taking a shower, gone through the motions of turning on the water and stepping into the tub, and then discovered that they didn't have clean underwear. The problem, of course, is that showers are usually a pretty last minute affair, especially if you're out of your pajamas at midnight and don't want to wake the house by turning on the water. Most of us put off showering until we have the time to do it right. Unfortunately, that never happens, because the first time you're in the shower, it takes you longer than you want to get out of the bathroom, and even though you don't have any dirty clothes on, you always have a whole bunch of stuff that needs to be washed. All that stuff is now in the sink, which means if you're not paying attention, it will eventually cause you to put your hand on the faucet, which will get you thinking about taking a shower, at which point you'll be left staring at the empty laundry basket wondering why the hell you just thought about showering, and then you'll realize you're naked. I know it seems silly to put off the shower. I don't like to shower too early because I don't like to wake up and the shower doesn't help me fall back asleep, so I'll take a shower in the middle of the night, but there are things you can do to make it more of a nighttime affair. Don't put the shower cap on until you have your clothes off, and turn the water off at night while you're getting dressed and in the tub, unless your wife is sleeping next to you. Then just tell her "it got hot" or that you don't feel well and get out of bed. The first time you shower, just focus on getting into the tub. Get undressed without looking at your feet and just focus on getting in. You'll probably slip a couple of times, but that's all right, and when you get out, you can be proud of yourself for remembering to put the soap on the soap dish before the shower. After that, everything's easy. It just takes a while, so don't worry about it if you get an erection in the shower or a rash. Do what you gotta do and you'll be all right. It's not something you have to think about. That's why it's okay to do it before you have your clothes off or after you've showered and put your clothes on. #### "Do You Need Help?" I learned this one from a friend who's a contractor. A lot of contractors know a lot about construction, and maybe even how to wire a house, but few know how to install a toilet. The guy who helped me learn how to install a toilet was an electrical engineer and an auto mechanic and he knew how to wire a house, which made me wonder how the electrical engineer's toilet had gotten so loose. The answer, it turns out, was that he knew how to fix toilets, but didn't know that this particular toilet was broken. And the reason that he didn't know it was broken was that it only had to be fixed on a Sunday when no one was around to pay him and it didn't need to be done right away. So whenever he got a job like that, he'd figure out how to fix it himself so he could save money. Of course, when it's your toilet that's broken, you'll do whatever you need to do to fix it. If you break your toilet, just tell everyone you have no money and wait until after work. Or if you can't keep your water bill paid, call it a high water bill, and tell them you need to turn the water off at night so they'll turn the water off at night. #### "We're On Our Own" It's easy to learn how to run your own life. Here's how. Just ask your friends. One of the best things about learning to be self-sufficient is that you stop depending on others. You get to be independent. You'll still call your mother when you have a problem, but at least your phone doesn't ring at 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday when you're drunk and lonely. And when it's 4:00 a.m. on a Wednesday, you'll know you're not the only one who has to get up in the morning. If you can't be trusted to call your mother at 2:00 a.m., though, I suggest you learn to keep the phone by your bed, and that you do so before you even drink that second drink and start calling her. I think a lot of people would get the hang of being alone if they learned to live alone and were forced to stay up all night sober. Of course, that's easier said than done if you're married to someone who drinks, because they may not give you a choice about when you have to get up. But if you can go one night without waking up your wife, you can learn to be self-sufficient. I've always been curious how people become self-sufficient, though, especially without knowing how. I've always been more curious about this because I used to have a pretty bad alcohol problem. I couldn't stop myself from drinking. I kept telling myself I didn't have a problem, but I kept thinking about how bad it felt the next morning after drinking and I'd come to my senses and stop. Then I kept telling myself I didn't have a problem. Then I'd go out and drink all the beer in the world and then when I woke up the next day I'd think, "Oh, well. That's just how it's gonna be." Then I started thinking about what to do instead of drinking, and I tried learning to cook and play racquetball. I also found I could keep drinking as long as I had a job, so I got a second job as a bartender. Then one day it occurred to me that if I had no desire to stop drinking, maybe the only reason I had stopped before was because I was too busy getting up every day to go back to the bar. So when I went to bed that night, I made a list of everything I wanted to do and checked it off every day until I had done all the things I wanted to do, like having my own practice. And the same thing happened when I started traveling. I started with what I would have liked to do that day, and then continued to check them off every day after. It was a good way of learning to be self-sufficient. What's that you say? "No, you don't have to live that way. If you do that, you'll lose your job, you won't be able to go out and have a few drinks once in a while, and then you'll still feel like you have to drink. It's okay if you just don't drink, but don't have goals or standards like being able to have a drink or learning to play racquetball. It's okay if you lose your job, you'll just go work for a corporation so they can pay you to watch TV while you take an hour and a half's nap." What I know is that nothing you say will make me do that, because I don't work for a corporation. And it's okay if you do work for a corporation, if it allows you to be self-sufficient. And if you don't work for a corporation, it doesn't matter what they say. At least you're more self-sufficient than I am. At least you can fix your own damn toilet. ### 10-second Drink I've been asked to explain why I drink. I've been asked to explain why I drink more than one drink and why I drink sometimes when I'm not drinking. I've even been asked what I drink. That's how much people know about alcohol, although they have to know a lot more than they do to take their first sip of alcohol. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to make a speech about alcohol, I've included some ideas for you to consider, but I'd strongly suggest that you don't talk about it unless you're drunk because it's best to wait until the day after you're sober before talking about your experiences. And you might want to make sure someone knows where you keep your liquor so it doesn't get stolen. What's most annoying about everyone talking about alcohol is that alcohol has nothing to do with most people's behavior. That's what makes it so hard for them to understand what I was trying to say. This is why some people get frustrated and accuse me of saying that alcohol has everything to do with everything, which is not the case. You don't get drunk when you drink, unless you're a drunk, but you can do whatever you want to do when you drink. And you should feel free to do anything, unless you think a different drink will do the trick or that you're really close to falling asleep and it's just the alcohol that's keeping you from waking up or that's not worth waking up for. What's the reason people drink? I don't know. They drink, but I don't know why. They start with a few drinks, and then once they've had a few drinks they're more likely to want a few more, and then the next thing you know they