Worst Case Scenario: The following is a transcript of my conversation with my father that I sent him via text last night, after we met to catch up for his birthday. I was hoping that after seeing that he would not be offended and it would help us to begin a new and clearer conversation. I think that he was hurt and offended, as much as he would not admit to that fact at first, because he felt put on the spot. I had no intention of putting him on the spot because I was hoping for something different. Bella: Dad, the first two times that you responded to my text you were in a bad mood. I hope you are in a good mood now. Dad: I guess it would be rude to ask you for an apology would it? Bella: No, it would not be rude. I can say I’m sorry if you want. I have a problem with how we are communicating and my behavior is making that problem worse and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I’m not okay with how things are going and I would like to work on things. I know I come on strong with my feelings. Dad: Okay. So what would you like me to say? Bella: I’m not expecting an apology, just an acknowledgement that I’ve done a poor job and it’s been hard for me. I could take that from you. Dad: I’m trying to apologize for the way that I respond and the fact that my emotions aren’t always accessible. That doesn’t change how I feel about you. Your response is my fault and I’m sorry. It’s been more like you see. When we see each other we always want to end in a fight or a fight-type scene. We are just really different people with really different opinions on the most important things in life. Bella: What can we do? Dad: You can be very stubborn and not listen to my reasoning. I feel like you may put me in a bad spot. I can’t express myself to people very well and you seem to put me in that situation with the words that you have said. I try to tell you not to think about it and yet when I am the one communicating, I do. You don’t listen to what I say and you have no respect for my feelings. Bella: I do respect your feelings. I don’t get mad at you because of the way you talk to me because you know that I can get offended easily and I don’t want to. But you don’t take my feelings into account and I get hurt. Dad: It hurts me when you’re hurt and then I am the bad guy. Bella: I have no one else to communicate with like this because my mom thinks I shouldn’t express myself to you. She thinks we shouldn’t have to worry about the things that we’re dealing with at this point. But I do have to worry about it. Dad: I know. I’m trying to change. I thought I knew what was important to you and I didn’t. I guess I didn’t communicate well enough. Bella: You do now and it’s confusing for me when you won’t tell me why you think I do or say something and you are very abrupt with how you talk to me. I feel like I don’t have a right to ask for an apology. Dad: That’s because it is. You have every right and I should have had more respect for your feelings as well. Bella: I thought that was something that you should know though. You don’t have to say that you’re sorry for that but I really was hurt by what I read. That wasn’t the experience I wanted to have. Dad: I would like to hear what you have to say if you will let me. Bella: What I was going to say was that it felt like you and your feelings weren’t being valued or expressed properly. I had to push to feel like you were taking my feelings into account and I got upset because I thought you had given up on how I felt and what I needed from you. Dad: That’s what I was trying to do and I apologize for the way I said that. You can feel what you want about me. This will be one of the decisions that I won’t think about for a while. Bella: Thank you. I want to try again. Dad: For what? Bella: Let’s just try again because I want you to try it. I think that we should talk and work things out. It can’t be fixed if we don’t try. Dad: That’s a lot to ask. Bella: I know it is but you’re my dad and this is not okay. I want you to not talk to me like I’m an inconvenience and I want to not talk to you like you’re an inconvenience. I also want to stop saying mean things to you because I get frustrated and upset and angry with you. Dad: I don’t feel like my way of responding is negative or hurtful or insulting to you. I love you too much. Bella: I love you too and I feel like I’ve been hurt and misunderstood and I wish you would not make me upset. Dad: Then why do you not listen to me? Bella: I want to, but my mom does not allow me to express my feelings with you. Dad: Why doesn’t your mom allow you to express your feelings with me? Bella: She says that I have to be nice to you. Dad: Why does she say that? Bella: It’s not even relevant to what we are talking about. Please stop with the digs. Dad: I don’t know what to say then. Bella: I was hoping that you would talk to me as an adult. I know you do and I’m talking to you as one but it’s not happening. So we can’t fix this right now. Let’s not discuss this again. Dad: Let’s continue this later, when we are both in a better frame of mind. I can’t go much longer with you getting this upset with me and not being able to say what you want to say because of how you respond to my questions or the way you say them. Bella: Okay. I can do that. Dad: I hope that we can talk about this and we can work it out. Bella: I would like to. We don’t have to have our problems be a part of our relationship, they don’t have to be issues or a problem. Dad: I want to fix the problems. Bella: I do too and I would like to talk about it and fix it. Dad: When are you free? Bella: I’m free now and we can do it then. I just want to get it off my chest because I don’t want to talk to you about it anymore and not having that in the way that we communicate is very frustrating for me. Dad: I don’t blame you and I know you didn’t intend for us to be in a constant conflict about the communication problems. Let’s give it a little while and see if it is the case. Let’s see what happens. We can talk about it later. Bella: Okay. I’ll do my best to work with you and see if we can work things out. Dad: I can’t promise that I will have a better response because we will just have to continue being us. Bella: Maybe we can. I just need to be sure of what is going on with our relationship. Dad: Well, you have two parents that need to be a part of it. We will just have to work it out. Bella: If you can, it would make it easier for me. I won’t know how to deal with some of these problems without you talking to me about them. I need the relationship with you because it is so much easier to deal with it that way. I’m more comfortable with being an adult around you. It would be harder for me not having that.