Chapter 1. Once *********** ****** to make things worse, I didn't actually have a great idea. I just made one up. And how did I do that? Chapter 2. What happens when you try to bring in more than one dog? Chapter 3. This is the same story as Chapter 2, but it's written with one less dog. So this one is just a slightly shorter version of Chapter 2. A few minor changes in the details and there you go. See what I mean? It's easy! Chapter 4. This is a different chapter, because it is about how I helped my pet chicken, and I thought it would be interesting. After all, I'm writing a book that I hope some of you are going to read, right? At least at some point, so I might as well try to make it as interesting as possible. The other chapters will probably be more serious, and less like comics, because that's the kind of stuff people read books for, right? Just so you know, I'm doing a lot of self-editing right now, and trying to correct things that don't sound quite right to me. The only problem with this is that I have to go back through all the material I've written and check out my stuff, but then that slows me down. It also makes me forget what I'm supposed to say here. Chapter 5. This is a boring chapter. I was writing it in bed before I fell asleep. And it seemed like a good place for a boring chapter, so I started writing it right there. But I really hate writing this kind of thing, and it took me ages to do, and it was hard for me to keep writing after that, so it seemed like the perfect place to put it. The joke will still get to you even if you read this chapter first, but if you read it before anything else, you might feel a little sorry for me, and I don't want that. I am just trying to tell you things that happened, because I really have nothing better to do. Do you think that I am a good boy? Chapter 6. This is another boring chapter. I got bored while I was writing it, and didn't know what to write, so I started looking up weird words in the dictionary, and I just came up with it one minute later. I like the way the dictionary doesn't actually know where it came from, which is what I like about this chapter. The thing that gets me here is all the crazy stuff that's in the last line. But the whole book is like that. It's insane. It really isn't my fault. I am just trying to tell you some things that happened, but you won't believe that. I'm not a good boy. Chapter 7. This is a boring chapter, too. I didn't feel like writing it. And why would I? This one is about why don't I have a job? I've got all sorts of things to do. You should see what I have to deal with right now. In fact, I was just about to go and do a little editing, but then I decided that it might be a little boring for you to read that, so I decided to do it later. Now I have more fun things to do. Why? Because I don't have any better ideas. They are all stupid. I can't decide what to put in them. And the way I have to write is all boring. I can't decide what to write about. I mean, I could talk about my favourite dog, who lives in Africa, and how much I love her. But that's boring. I don't want to talk about that. I don't have a favourite dog. I can't believe I just said that. Chapter 8. This chapter is very, very stupid. And it was hard for me to write. And some people will think it's even stupider than it looks. But not me. Not me. Chapter 9. What do you think, then? What do you think about this book? And what do you think about me? Would you like to meet me in person, to talk about all of this? Part Two. A letter from John to his sister. Chapter 10. John's dad has just gone to bed, but John's still awake. And he's trying to think of things that might be fun for the two of us to do. I thought of a few things myself, because there are lots of things I like to do. But I don't want to write them down, because they are really boring. But then, I thought of you. You don't know all the things I like to do, and you probably have to try new things all the time, and that's just not the same for me. Chapter 11. So I decided to write to you and tell you about all the interesting things that I like to do. You are a girl, aren't you? I've only seen pictures of girls, and I think they're cool. I think they are better than boys, because they're always nice to other people, but that's not really important for this book. I bet you are very cool, because you're a girl. Even if you don't like some of the stuff I like to do, like doing funny stuff with my hands, and playing computer games. I bet you would like that. I don't think I've ever seen a girl playing computer games. But you'd probably like that, wouldn't you? You could make them look prettier, maybe. Or maybe you would like to play with me, instead. That would be fun. You could pretend to be the bad guy. Or not. Whatever you like. Chapter 12. Anyway, I thought that it would be nice to meet you and talk. And I know we could spend the rest of our lives talking about all sorts of things. Like how the other kids will see this book when it comes out. You might be mad at them, too, if they call you the bad guy. But they'll probably think you are a spy. That would be fun, wouldn't it? Or maybe you could tell them some jokes about me. I bet you would like that, too. We could go to the bathroom together, too, if you wanted to. Or pretend to be my imaginary dog, and follow you around, while you brush your hair. I bet you could do that if you tried. But don't do it in public. Chapter 13. I've been thinking about what I should write in the book, because I have to do all the writing. And I thought about the title, but I didn't know what to put after "Mate". But then I got an idea. Do you want to hear about it? I'll be right back. And maybe I could put in a little story about how I discovered that I'm a dog? Do you think that would be nice? Chapter 14. I've just gone back to sleep. Maybe I should just write down what I thought I should put in. Do you think that will work? But I think it will be easy for me to remember to do that, because the book will only be for kids, and they might not understand this. I bet you have a big dog. Can I write that? Chapter 15. There I am, back again. The first part of this chapter was a joke, and the second part was a letter. I did it all in about three minutes, and I only had to use one word. Now I'm going to go back and read it again. This is a good book to have written, because I think it will work really well. Do you like writing jokes? You can tell me what they are. I will have to go and tell my pet chicken about it. And about how you are a dog, even though you don't look like one. Because I've just remembered that I can't write this letter if I'm not going to be here when it comes out. It doesn't matter if it never comes out, because this book is about me, and not about anyone else. And I'm going to go and tell my pet chicken, because I think she'll like it. I might even have to write it down, because it's not going to be any fun to say out loud, because I know how I would feel. And also, because this book is about me, and not about anyone else, and it would probably be bad for everyone if this book were published. Even if no one else ever read it, there are still things I have to think about, and I really do have to watch it all the time. There are even things that I like to think about, and I don't want anyone to know what they are. So I've got to go now. Chapter 16. But, first, I have to write about this, because I don't think I explained everything that I meant before. Sometimes I was scared that this book would not be interesting, but you have to understand, that this is just a stupid little story about a stupid little dog. What is the point? You're probably just reading this book to find out