It was after the last one and we had already agreed to do a new event for 2020. We were discussing how many people would be interested in being part of that and I was curious about where they would be based. After the last event in January I had moved house. I wanted to get out of here for a bit. It felt like a fresh start and an opportunity to see how the new place worked. I had a few jobs on the horizon that might pay better than working for the government. So, a couple of months passed and I got another job offer in the area that was a lot more money. I thought “Wow, that’s a great deal!“. Well, it didn’t take long before she saw my new job and asked about it. Long story short, that night it was the first time we talked about her wanting to be a part of what we’d planned to do next year. She already had plans to move back to Sydney. They were looking to sell the house and move on with their lives. As it turned out, not long after I left the first time, she had gotten a job offer. It was a more attractive offer. So, even though it was no longer the right time for our event, she decided to take it instead of the job I had left for. We didn’t see each other until after I’d started my new job. I couldn’t make it home for the time she was there to visit because I was in a different town and in a different part of the country. What’s going on? I need her, like I said before. She’s not with someone else? No, she isn’t. We’re going to have to do something about this. But I don’t know if we should. I’m in a better place now, and she is too. I think we should wait. We don’t have to be in love or anything. We could just be friends. At least at this stage of our lives. I don’t know if I can go back to being friends with someone when she’s still in that relationship. But I don’t want to lose her either. Not now. I’ve always wanted to see her in any case. I can’t put my finger on the reason why. Maybe it’s because she never left my mind for two and a half years. When you’re with someone you like, and in the relationship, when someone else is in your life, it’s hard to stop thinking about them. Especially if they can get under your skin for whatever reason and be so intense. It’s hard to break it off with someone you like when they’re in the background there all the time, in your heart, and all over your head. She did get under my skin. When we were apart, and then in my mind when we were together again, she became part of every moment in those two years I didn’t see her. So maybe that was her plan, to be the background there all the time. I thought about this while I was walking this morning, about our different choices. In an ideal world she would be with someone who is a decent person, and would not be in a relationship that could do her harm, and she would be part of someone’s life. Someone who appreciates her in ways she’s always wanted to be appreciated. Someone who wants to be with her as much as she wants to be with them. Someone who will support her even when it’s hard for them to do so because it’s not the way they think things should be. Instead, she is in a relationship with someone who just doesn’t get it. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t want to face how destructive their behaviours can be to others, and to them. What they don’t seem to see is that her being a part of that relationship has caused me damage. Even though I’ve been away from her for a long time now, in my heart we are still connected. There was just something special about our relationship, she feels more real to me than anyone else. My friend is a pretty amazing person, she’s not out to destroy me, it’s more like she takes everything in. We have good conversations. She cares for people a lot and we talk about everything when we meet up. I think that’s one of the reasons why we were together in the first place, I just didn’t see that side of her until she showed it to me. I am not with her though. That’s what scares me. It’s almost as if she’s in my head. I didn’t see that happening but I never put her down. Then again, I’m pretty sure that if we’re only friends it wouldn’t happen anyway. But I don’t know. It’s going to have to be hard to keep in mind that she isn’t here to stay, that this is just for now. It will be sad to think about what could have been, but it will also keep the focus on the future, on what I have to do to make the most of my life, instead of getting stuck in regret and anger over how she treated me. Even though it’s painful to think about, the past is a real thing, and there are lessons to learn from it. The reason we want to look ahead is so we don’t carry around the heaviness of a life that was left behind. I feel my heart start to sink now. What’s going to happen if I let her go? I need her, I love her. That’s not always what it’s about, though. I’m just going to have to find a way to get my mind off of her now and make sure I don’t get stuck in this thought process again. There are things I need to focus on, things that matter a lot more. Maybe if I don’t think about them as much I won’t be so sad when I do see her again. That’s not to say I don’t want to see her, because I do, but it will be nice to focus on what’s important now instead of worrying about what’s in the past. I’ll be here for a while, so there’s nothing I need to rush out and buy or do. In fact, things have been okay lately. Not really going anywhere, not really doing anything either. It’s just the way it is. There is nothing I need to do. It is perfect as it is right now. No expectations, no desires. I still feel myself getting excited about life though. I have a feeling I’ll be doing something soon that will change my perspective on a few things, but that I can’t really think about yet. Well, that’s the truth. I know that there is something that is going to happen soon that will change everything for me. I can’t tell you what it is yet because I don’t know. Maybe it will happen in two or three days, or it could be as much as a couple of weeks. I need to do more checking around the neighbourhood before I get all excited about it again. My excitement always comes back, whether it’s for a month or for two years, I never lose it completely. The other thing about how things have been lately is that I have felt myself getting more and more attached to things, whether they are people or places. I can usually hold on to this feeling of being attached, until I find myself going overboard. I get attached to the negative as well. That’s not such a bad thing. It’s just the way it is. I’ve had to make myself unattached. It’s something I’m still working on. I can only be free of attachments if I want to be, even if it means just focusing on myself. There isn’t anything wrong with me though. Even though I do lose control sometimes and am very needy, I know my purpose in life. I know that there are things that will happen that will put things into perspective and that there is a purpose to my life. And no, I don’t think I’m going to heaven. I don’t have to get into that kind of belief because I know where I’m going and why, but I still have a question for everyone. How much do we make of ourselves and how important is our position in life? For many, it’s very important. We think that it’s all about us, whether it is our physical, emotional, social, or spiritual needs. I don’t have to worry about all of those things for the time being. I don’t have to worry about food and shelter. I get a little excited when I think about that. I’m not sure how I feel about thinking about the future. The future is always such a big unknown. Maybe, there’s something I want to do that will help me do more good for others, so then I feel I deserve to get ahead. What do you do with your time?