Gender Wars...It's Getting Ugly Out There It's ugly out there: in the workplace, in relationships and in our day-to-day lives. There is a lot of pressure to fit a mold. Be who you were born to be. Follow the script for your life. If you think the pressures in the workplace are tough now, you should have seen how much more difficult it was back when Mom had to buy her daughter a new skirt because the skirt she already owned was "inappropriate" for work. If you think that sounds crazy, keep reading. "It's gotten really weird. As a career woman, I've never had any of these struggles with my work, and now I find myself torn between a career I know I'm really good at and my need for personal time. I actually know a lot of people my age who are at a crossroads with their careers and marriages. It's as if a lot of this pressure to become our parents is coming from a place of insecurity or feelings of insignificance. I'm forty, and this is the first time in my life I feel like my mom was wrong. I've always been a good child, and she's never had to worry about my future. I know I'm one of the lucky ones—the ones who had career and education options. But still, I think back on all the comments she made when I was young, and it makes me sad. Is it inevitable? Are there some of us who will always be stuck in this situation?"—Kristen It's ironic that we talk about the generations gap between the children and the parents who bore us, but how many of us realize the gap between the generations themselves is beginning to close. Younger women in their twenties are just now facing the same struggles as they approach middle age. You are part of a new generation that is in transition, and you'll find yourself right in the middle of it as you take on the demands of adulthood, including dealing with the "oldest" generation, who have done nothing but complain about your generation and yet have still made significant strides that you're still trying to catch up to. "There are two generations trying to connect with one another: one generation that has always been secure and comfortable in who they are, and one generation that has had to work hard at being who they want to be. Our parents' generation is the first to try and get us to be like them; my generation, the 'me' generation, is trying to get them to be like us. But I think we are both going to have a pretty hard time, and it's because there's a real gap between the generations now, and it's been a struggle for us."—Aimee I know a young girl who thinks it's a no-brainer that she will have to raise her kids the same way she was raised. I think it would be great if it were that easy. There is a lot of power for women in being able to see and recognize the ways in which we are different from the generations that came before us. When I was growing up, it was not cool to speak about having friends who were gay or lesbians. It was definitely against the rules, but it was also totally acceptable to say, "I don't know how I'd handle that situation, but I'm sure they would know what to do if they got into trouble." Women were expected to stay focused on marriage and a family and to do what was expected of them: have a family and a career, stay in a relationship if it was going well, and if not, look to marry someone with whom you could start a family. These were the rules for our generation. And, unfortunately, it wasn't such a bad thing to keep all of our eggs in one basket. You may think I'm being a little bit facetious, but stay with me. I think this is such a critical point in time in women's lives. You're coming of age now, and the world is watching to see if you will go with the pack or dare to be different. It may seem harmless to the men around you, but women are watching, assessing, and trying to navigate through an uncertain future. "I am more secure than some, but I still feel like I have to keep my guard up. At work, it seems to me that there are plenty of good women, but that the best, the ones with a bit of a fire under their bottoms, are the ones who are the most self-assured. I am so afraid I'm just a little too afraid to ask someone out on a date because I don't know how he'll take it. Or because I don't want to seem too aggressive, so I take it too far and seem too available. I don't want to be seen as desperate, but if there's some truth to it, maybe I should come out and own it!"—Pam I know the pressure, and I know the fear, that is weighing on you. You want to find someone to share the ride, but you're worried you might get a ride in the front seat or worse yet, that someone will never want to take you for a ride. Don't worry, you're not alone. You are far from it. You're a girl, and girls are just wired that way. The only way to get past that is to be brave, step out of your comfort zone, and take a ride with some man who isn't the same guy you grew up with. The only way to see whether he can take you for a ride is to go out and actually do it, and if he balks, maybe it's not a good match for the both of you. If you find someone who is willing to take you for a ride, let him! Just be sure to get a helmet. "In high school, no one knew what I was thinking. Even the other kids who dressed weird or talked differently from the rest of their cliques looked and acted like normal teenage boys. As an adult, I realize that it's just as normal to not fit in, to want to be different, to be an individual. In my twenties, I did try to fit in by trying to please others, but now, no matter what other people think, I will always be true to myself."—Julie You're right! Don't let anyone make you think that you're anything but true to yourself. Make a list of all the ways you are different. Then stand by your convictions. Now the fun part. Put on a big smile, put up your hand and shout out the things you love about yourself! Who cares if you have no idea what's going on in their mind? Say it anyway. You never know who you'll meet when you're being yourself. Even if it's just you. It's never too late to own the things that make you different and to see yourself as the special, confident, vibrant woman that you are. You are still at the beginning of an amazing ride. There's lots of fun ahead of you. Enjoy the ride! The Stance The question to be asking is, "What's different about me?" **Fear 1:** The old rules are still valid. Maybe it's okay to be a little different, but at what price? There's a difference between standing out and being different. Sometimes we go about standing out in ways that can come across as different and it can be easy to get lumped into the group of people who don't fit in or are being ridiculed as being "different." It's vital to make sure that you know the difference and that you stay true to who you are, and still do what needs to be done. And don't feel like you have to be in a constant rush to show the world that you are different from who you were. Stand strong. It is okay to be different, but make sure it doesn't cost you who you are. **Fear 2:** It's always more difficult to stand out than it is to fit in, but sometimes it's just as difficult to fit in as it is to stand out. If you're not sure where you stand, don't worry, you are not alone. Most women feel uncomfortable sometimes with what they see as the norm in their lives and at their jobs. You have every right to feel this way. And if you think being different could be a great outlet for your creativity, just be sure it's safe and that you feel good about who you're taking the ride with. **Fear 3:** No matter what your age or how far behind you think you are, there is always someone who thinks she's ahead of the curve, so there will always be people who are just a little bit ahead of you. And because of that, it's hard to not try to keep up. You won't always have the time or energy to hang with those people, but when you do, make sure it's worth it. If it's not, get out of their way. You can catch up later, and they can keep going. The Questions Answer these questions to figure out your unique voice and your unique vibe. Take some time to really think about each question and then answer each question in your own voice. Question #1: If I were to give a new generation a test to take as a part of the new education program that I would recommend for the next generation, what would be on it and what would be the name of the test? Question #2: Are my feelings and my attitudes right?