Wow, that's a lot of work! And I haven't even mentioned the money and time that you've put into it. I'm extremely grateful for all that you have done for me. I love you!" Of course you will receive gratitude and appreciation from your partner. But you are likely to also get even more, too. Acknowledging the sacrifices that she has made for you, expressing your gratitude, and giving her a bit of "the gift of time" are sure to make your spouse feel very special and keep her motivated to continue on this journey with you. You may not see the changes overnight, but over time, with the help of this book, _she_ will see them. ### **Make an Apology and Take Responsibility** You and your spouse may have hurt each other in the past. We're not talking here about the occasional offhand remark you made when you were angry or jealous. We're referring to the ongoing, repeated pattern of hurtful behaviors over a period of time. Each of you needs to take responsibility for what you have done and recognize your contribution to the ongoing problem. If you and your spouse have not yet done this work, you owe each other apologies. I suggest that you go to a nearby park or local coffee shop. I call this chapter "Apologizing Together" because your partner deserves your apology as much as you do. It's important to apologize with one another, since apologizing in front of others may lead to conflict later on if you do not take it seriously. A study showed that husbands whose wives accepted their apologies were five times less likely to experience marital problems in the future than husbands who did not apologize. This study involved more than two thousand men. If you and your spouse have been neglecting your spouse in the past, then it's important to make a sincere apology. It might be helpful to bring your written apology with you to the apology session, but be sure that you also tell your spouse your reasons for the apology, such as "I failed to make you feel loved or to pay attention to your needs. I'm sorry that this has been happening, and I'm sorry for how I've been treating you." Even if you and your spouse have been hurt by others, making an apology and taking responsibility is the first step in the healing process. The most important thing you can do is to recognize that you've caused the problem. If you don't accept responsibility, it's unlikely that you'll ever be able to resolve the issues or work on the damage that's been done. Your spouse will be more willing to cooperate with you after she sees that you realize you have problems to overcome. ## CHAPTER 7 ## _Setting Realistic Goals_ I never fail at failure. —BRIAN KOPPELMAN Before I wrote this book I had never heard of _boundaries_ —the term that so many men think is important to their marriages and relationships. I've always tried to keep my personal and business affairs separate. In a nutshell, my wife would know that I was going to do things with or for my other business that she wouldn't like. That was our deal. When I met Gail, though, I told her that while I wanted to keep our private lives separate, I hoped she would let me share information about my business with her so that we could win as a team. This sounds like a reasonable request to me, but from Gail's perspective the request must have sounded like a threat. I was saying, in effect, "If you help me succeed, I'll be more motivated to help you. But if you don't, you're going to lose me. I won't come home. You won't have sex with me." And this is exactly what happened—except the order of events was reversed. I started losing my sexual appetite and spending more time away from home and more hours on the phone. At the time, I didn't see what was wrong. And I think this is a common problem for many men. To some degree we have an inability to recognize our problems because we're so focused on what we're trying to achieve. Of course, this is true of all of us, but men seem to have an extra dose of it. Our wives are very good at pointing out our flaws, but she's not necessarily a good observer of what we achieve. You may think that you have the ideal marriage—you spend time with each other and you have sex regularly—but that's not the way she sees it. You may be getting the benefits you want from your relationship, but it's still not clear to her that you really understand the details of what you're trying to accomplish. This situation is something to think about with every aspect of your marriage and your relationship, but it's especially important when it comes to setting goals. ### **The Basics of Goal Setting** I've shared what I've learned from my work with thousands of men over the years. There is a lot of wisdom that can be found in the way that they have managed their lives, and much of it can be transferred to relationships. But I've also found that men have some serious flaws when it comes to setting goals. Many of the same problems are faced by many of the men in your group. When it comes to working together, women understand very well the need to create and follow a plan. If you're like most men, however, you seem to view goals more as a wish than a plan—a wish for things to be different in the future. We are notoriously bad at making predictions about the future, but it doesn't take a genius to see that you are in the same situation today as you were last month. You will be tomorrow. So it's natural that you would look for ways to improve in the future. As long as you have time and resources, you should definitely pursue goals—even if they are unattainable at first. If you don't do anything, your life is going to stay the same. So even if it's not realistic to expect your life to change drastically overnight, you should set goals for yourself at least in some categories. In this section, I will first explain why setting goals is important and how it can help improve your relationship, and then I'll give you my method for working with your wife to find out what it is she wants from you. ### **A Plan B** When you have plans, you have a game plan. Your game plan may involve a lot of preparation and strategy before the big game begins. Perhaps you need to find a place where you can get a good view of the action. Maybe you want to bring your own special "good luck charm." You may even decide to play a favorite song for the kickoff of the big game. But whatever your plan, it's better to have one. We men tend to get confused about goals, but they're not all that complicated. You need to know what the goal is, and how you are going to accomplish it. The goals you set for yourself should be relevant to your marriage and will keep your family from growing apart. Many men today can't imagine why anyone would ask them to help their spouse or kids. If they are in a situation that requires making changes for themselves or their family, they simply won't do it. They will talk a lot about setting goals for their children or their marriage, but as far as actually doing it, they just won't do it. Your goals should be both specific and measurable. You may be able to estimate how long it will take you to do something, but you should also be able to point to what it is you've accomplished in order to reach the goal. You may say that you're going to "work harder" at work, or you may be able to provide a time frame for achieving a goal, but it's not always possible to tell if you have succeeded at meeting the goal. For example, if you say that you're going to "work smarter" at work, how will you know that you have done so? Some goals can be measured objectively, but most require you to have some means of measuring your progress. These may include things like: * Making your partner happier with you * Increasing the amount of time you are physically and emotionally present in your marriage * Showing greater consideration for your spouse * Doing a better job of managing your time and effort * Receiving greater acceptance for the way you deal with your personal and professional life from your family and friends * Receiving more praise and acceptance from your partner * Understanding how you contribute to problems in your relationship * Developing better ways to resolve those problems The most important questions about your goals are: what you want to change and how you're going to do it. But before you set out to solve your marital problems, make sure that you are ready to address them. Many couples who have worked with me haven't tried to deal with their problems before looking for ways to improve their relationship. Many have felt overwhelmed by their problems and are still trying to figure out how to handle them when they start working together. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that you ignore the problems in your relationship or that you "put off" your commitment to improve them. The simple point here is to make sure that you understand the best ways of handling them when you decide to set out to make things better. I think we can all agree that it's difficult for any of us to keep on track and accomplish our goals without having somebody around