It's Like the Worst Cocktail Party Ever. Beefeaters and tiki torches mark the steps that lead up to our rooms on the 15th floor. If they weren't there, I probably wouldn't have walked up. In fact, a few years back, I saw a girl fall down the stairs from the same spot. She broke her neck. It was a nightmare. It was like being in a bad wedding, like the worst party ever. The first day is hard to get used to. At least it was for me. At some point in the night you have to go the bathroom, but don't ask which bathroom because they all look the same to me. You have to stay in it, but after a few minutes it's probably too nice to leave, so you have to try not to fall asleep while you're in there, and even if you do, you're doomed because you'll wake up in the middle of the night to find out that you fell asleep in some guy's lap in the backseat of a Cadillac. It's kind of a special hell. It doesn't matter that you woke up from the dead. Your limbs are useless. So you have to get up, go downstairs, then get on the elevator, which is the first bathroom of the day. At night, it's the last bathroom of the day. This is a big problem for people with disabilities who need to use the bathroom at a certain time in the evening. In our case, it's 1:05 a.m. So you really have to stay up. There's so much pressure on you during the first few days. I remember once, early on, I was in the bathroom and there was this guy in the mirror having a very elaborate discussion with himself. He was very animated and he was talking, I think about how he could get out of his commitments to his girlfriend and his wife and see if he could find some action at this conference. There was a real pressure for him to be cool and hip. I guess the first time I got really stoned was at a business meeting with the guys from the marketing company where I was working. When you take an occasional puff or two before a business meeting, you're still high when it starts and if you're high you start to believe you're really high. I'll never forget one meeting. I got an assignment to drive to some business dinner with some people from the company. I stopped in the bar, I had a few drinks and then I started smoking a joint. Then I had some more drinks. Then I started hallucinating about the trip. I thought I was driving across the desert and that maybe the trip would take a few more hours and that would be okay. Then I told myself that I was really on a desert trip and that this would really take a couple of days. By this time, everybody in the meeting is wondering why I'm late. I got there and I still had the joint. I got a little light-headed. The guys from marketing were cool about it, they just sort of nodded their heads in agreement. It was kind of scary though. It was just too much. When it comes to meeting with your boss, what you think of as a "heavy trip" is going to be just normal for him. Your perception is going to be warped by the drugs you're taking, so you can see yourself the way that you would have with the substances you would normally use. So you're going to think you're weird. On the first day at Cannes, I walk up to the hotel to pick up some weed that a friend of mine sent me. The guy at the hotel told me I should have called because they had no weed and I wouldn't be able to smoke it while I was there. When he told me that I asked if he had something a little stronger, he looked at me like I was asking for some kind of a dirty favor. The guys from production who were working on the first season of Arrested Development came over to me and they asked me if I wanted a "party pack." They asked if I had seen any of the party packs yet. It wasn't really my idea of a party, but I didn't think there was any way that a group of grown-ups would let me go to a party where it was clear that there was a party pack. That night, I brought my own "party pack" of two joints to the screening of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," where there was free booze and where everyone was dressed like they were hanging out at a rave. I went to bed that first night, got my stuff from the hall closet where I had stored it all when I was thirteen, and threw it in my new backpack. When I get home, I'll find a bunch of business cards from people who've had to go through this. I'll get calls from lawyers and doctors. That's when I'll realize that I was so stupid. As a kid, you're usually thinking about how much you like weed. You're not really worried about getting caught. In fact, if you were, you'd tell a lot of your friends who knew how to hide weed from your parents. You would definitely pass around some of it. This was when it was okay to talk about weed at school. And you didn't really think about the potential consequences at all. It wasn't really until later that you'd worry about whether you'd get busted. When I was in high school, my friend's father was a lawyer and his older brother was a cop. They did this great job of explaining to me how weed wasn't just about getting a high. Weed could destroy your life and that if you were ever caught, you'd have to face a great amount of risk. I'd say it was a great education. Getting high is a very social activity, whether it's something you're doing or not. So you'd be up for doing it at some kid's house. Then, of course, you get caught with weed and you can't say you weren't at a party when it happens. Because you weren't really a part of a party when it happened. You were just there doing what everybody else was doing. If you were at the party, you know what to do. When somebody invites you to a party, they give you the vibe of what kind of party it is. There's no way they'll invite you over if it's going to be like the party they're having now. Getting high is a very social activity, whether it's something you're doing or not. So you'd be up for doing it at some kid's house. Then, of course, you get caught with weed and you can't say you weren't at a party when it happens. I went out with some friends in New York City. We took two cars. One car was to follow us, the other was to go back and drop us off at the bar we were going to, then pick us up again and wait for us while we smoked up. You can't just have a toke in the car, because if you do, everyone will start to think you've been getting stoned all night. So we waited at a bar and smoked in the parking lot. That was part of my problem. I liked to smoke in the car. You're more paranoid than in other places. You could see the police coming from a mile away. You can imagine the scene. You're sitting on the side of the road and you see these two guys smoking a joint. Smoking in the car puts you at the center of a whole new world. You get paranoid about cops in a way you don't when you're smoking on the street, because the police are everywhere in the city. And then you're driving a car and you have a license and you have a registration. There's a little time there to get that whole fantasy all together and to put yourself in a very vulnerable position. Some people like to hide it better, and that's their deal. If you're really paranoid, hiding it is the best way to avoid people who might suspect you. I've been riding with people who always seem to have enough weed, and it's like having a doctor or something because you can never say the thing you need to say. "I need a doctor." "Oh, I'll be your doctor, you can just tell me what you need." If you're smoking too much, you're going to be the one giving it away. Being high, it's basically a time where you can't do things. The things that you can't do, you shouldn't do. You can't be a good friend, so don't be a good friend. You can't be a good employee, so don't be a good employee. It's hard to work and you're not going to be able to have a good relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend. You can't hold a job or a relationship. People who have used weed for a long time think of it as a medicine. So they're going to use it to heal. When they get sick, they're going to go to the doctor and they're going to use weed to help the medicine go down, because you can't always take medicine. You have to take it on time. You can't always remember and take it. But a person who's new to weed, they're going to smoke it for fun, they're going to do it because it's fun, and you can't always count on it. When you're on your second week of being