Call the Whambulence! The Whambulance, Whambulance, Wambulance! Call the Whambulance! And a final one from our friends at the Raccoon Lodge. "Oh, that was a nasty fall. Looks like your arm is broken." "Actually, I think it's okay now." "Well, it might be broken again! Get a plumber out here!" A plumber will only call if you yell out a specific code word, so we'd like you to shout them as well, one of the following phrases: # **TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO** # DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU'RE SAYING # "What's that? Did you say 'dogcat' 'dogcat'?" "'Dogcat'? Oh, that's the name of our new pup." "You mean, 'Doghurt'? You mean, 'Puglet'?" "No, actually, the name is Dogcat. But there's an 'R' in there, so it's really Dogcat-R. Because Dog-Catt is just too much for people to remember." "It's not that much harder to remember than dogcat." "Um, there is an 'R' in there. I'd be happy to spell it for you—" "You can spell it out for me." "Doghurt R... Ahhh, wait, that's not it either!" "Yes, it is!" "How about we compromise: it's 'Doghurt', but a 'C'!" "Hey! Don't be mean to the little Dogcat-R!" # **TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO** # TRIES TO PLAY ALONG WITH YOU # "Oh, do you play that a lot? Is that your favorite music?" "Um, no, that's not my favorite thing in the world. It just happens to be playing." "Oh, a lot of people play this. If you think it's so good, why don't you try it?" "I know how to play the thing, and I would, but it's not like you have to buy it and it becomes your favorite song. Unless you have to play the guitar." "Oh, wow. My favorite thing in the world is singing. So do you want to hear me play the guitar?" "I can actually play the guitar a little bit too. I took some lessons once." "That's awesome. I've wanted to play guitar for a long time, but never have before." "Are you good at playing? Can you play any Beatles songs?" "It doesn't really matter what I play, but if I do any of the old Beatles songs, I'll feel like I'm doing something wrong. But I love them. Maybe I'll put something on by the Beatles." "We'll listen for a while." # **TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO** # IS IN FACT, A CRUISE SHIP OFFSHORE # "What is this? Is this a boat? Is this a cruise ship? Is it a house?" "Yeah, you're right. A boat's a boat, and a cruise ship is a house." "What? They made a house that could sail?" "No, they made a house and then they made a houseboat that could go on a cruise ship. In fact, a lot of them go to houses." "Hey, do you want to go on a cruise to New York City?" "Maybe. Depends on the price of your tickets. Maybe we'll take it on the houseboat." # **TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO** # LOOKS A LITTLE MISERABLE # "Hey, are you okay?" "Well, I don't think you should feel guilty about forgetting your anniversary." "Why not? She's the one who forgot it." "Well, no. I mean, don't feel guilty about her forgetting it." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, she forgot the anniversary." "She didn't forget the actual anniversary, I'm sure. She meant to give me a present, and she forgot to. What else is new?" "Okay, but you shouldn't feel guilty about forgetting it." "Who made you my judge?" "No, I'm just saying..." "You're the one who forgot your anniversary. What's your excuse? Oh, wait, I know—I had my period that day!" "That's not an excuse. That's a lie, and a bad one at that." "Well, you're a liar then." "And a bad one at that." "You're a bad liar then." "And that's not an excuse. It's a lie. And a bad one. Maybe you should stay at home tonight." "You're one to judge, you bad liar, you!" # **TALKING TO SOMEONE WHO** # WEARS CLOTHES THAT REPRESENT A PRETTY CERTAIN POINT IN HISTORY # "Are you dressed like the _Beatles'_ album _Abbey Road_ cover?" "Um, no, that would be the one where John Lennon sings 'Come Together.'" "Then I was wrong. Are you dressed like the one from _Sergeant Pepper_?" "Well, yeah, but I can't say that that's a 'certain point in history.' I think we wore those clothes forever ago. They're not nearly as cool now as they were back then. Back in those days, we were cool. We were a bunch of 'punks.' And we were all different colors. Not just black, white, and brown, but also pink and green, and all different tones in between." "You're weird." "You're pretty weird yourself. You're all dressed in red!" "So are you." "I'm not dressing like a certain point in history!" "No, I meant your clothes." "No, you did not." "Yes, I did." "Well, it wasn't the '60s, it was the '70s. I didn't wear clothes like that then." "I hate to admit this, but you do look exactly like this guy." "Well, he was cool back then. And he looks good. But he doesn't look as good as he used to. And his clothes look way better than mine. He's got nice pants!" "Are you talking about Mick Jagger?" "Yes." "Well, at least you're only wearing one of his socks." "Hey, the people here know I'm different!" "If you were cool back then, why did you ever get together with me? We're just goofy! We've never been cool. We always go to parties on Thursday." "I never said I was cool." "Yes, you did." "You're just mad because your wife gave you a neck tie for your birthday and you wore it to work and the boss laughed at you." "He didn't. And my wife is a great partner in life. Plus, you bought me that tie." "You got that tie for free at a thrift shop." "Yes, but you know how you bought me that necklace? So I don't feel guilty about lying to her." "I know you always want me to lie."