I still like to go out but with my back it is almost impossible. The pain is too much. We are really looking forward to this Christmas and seeing our nieces and nephews. I have great kids, really, but they are not easy to keep up with. We live in a small town and to get around we have to get someone to drive us. They have never had a car, and our lives are so different, because of that. I think of my parents every day and how much they miss their grandkids. Sometimes I just cry when I think about how much I miss them. I am always worried about them when they are out of my control. Some people make me so angry. So many of them don't give people a chance, they are too selfish and self centered. How would you like to be around that all the time? Not nice. My grandparents were so good to people. It was not about them, it was about their family. I miss my grandparents every day. My mom talks a lot about them and how much they loved her, I love hearing her stories. If I ever have a girl, I will name her after my grandmother. She passed away a few years ago and her birthday is in April. I know it is crazy to say this, but I often wonder if she feels like she is coming to visit me. So many things I miss. I just don't know if I can make it another month, or even another year. It hurts when I walk, or sit in a chair, or lie down. I have to do so much to make sure I stay on top of it and keep things from getting worse. A lot of my friends talk about how fat and lazy I am, I know I have gained a lot of weight since I was little, but I was always big to begin with. Just because you are big doesn't make you lazy. It is the only way I can get the pain and the pressure down off my back. Most of the time I don't even feel fat, but I see so much of it. I have tried different jobs, but none of them work out. I'm stuck in a small town. I can't even drive and since we live so close to other families, I can't even have a babysitter. There is so much going on in the world, but I'm stuck in a small town. I hate when people are mean and cruel, and how some people talk behind people's back. It is really nice to find a happy face now and then, you know what I mean? I do think the world is getting better, there is less hate than there used to be, but people are still mean. They could just let the person know what they are thinking and not be so nasty. People aren't going to change because they don't want to change. I will do my best, but it is going to be hard, and no one can make me do anything. So many people do not like what they do, but don't have the guts to do anything else. So many people just don't have anything better. I don't know what to do, except go around it. I have one of my sons living with me. My back is horrible, and I don't like that my son will have to go through the same problems. That makes me feel awful. He has to go through it and he is just a teenager. I miss my parents every day. When I was little, I used to talk to the angels. I have never done that again. Maybe that is why I don't have a family anymore. I guess it is too late to make it right now. Life is not fair, but I am strong and ready to go. I don't have any children and I don't think I will be able to have children soon. It is just too much pain. I feel like a complete failure, but no one is perfect. We all have something to give and everyone is special. Everyone has the right to live and be happy. Just look at the things we have been given, and think about how many children have it so much worse. We are not always taken care of, and it hurts, so much. We have to be strong and good to ourselves, be the best we can be, and help each other out. I know I don't know everything, but I know that I love people and have a lot to offer. It just has to happen. Well, I better go see if any water has come up my hose, we had a little storm a while ago and I wonder if it has affected the pipes. There are some things that are really good for your back, it is a good thing to keep in mind. Prayers are always nice, but I always have faith in myself and my life. I am going to do the best I can. When someone loves you, you get everything you need. I don't have to worry about that now, and I thank my lucky stars. I don't know how, but I thank God for every day that I get to live. We all know it is not an easy life, and I am glad to be alive today. It is a good day to get things started, and be productive. It is a good day for everything. I am so thankful to have an opportunity to live, even with all the pain and the suffering. I just keep getting more in tune with myself. I am so happy to see how good it has gotten, and what I can do and how much better I can take care of myself and my needs. That is all a person can ask for. I have been able to do so much, with this new life. It helps a lot with my daughter, and it makes me feel better that I can help her through the same things. I want to make sure she is around, and take care of her, and that we are around each other. I have had a really hard life and this is a good thing. I am so thankful, and I am sure that the Lord will make it all work out. It makes me happy to hear others' testimonies, I want them to know that it is going to be okay. I do the best I can, to help those I can, and to be as good a person as I can be. I am so happy to be alive. 2 comments: Yes, it is a busy life....But you look so lovely in the picture! Hope you feel better soon.....Love you from the deepest part of my heart! I'll just keep on praying.... Love Tara You don't have to be able to have children, as well, if you want them.You don't want them because your parents are sick, and in pain, but for the sake of your parents, for their sake, you can still help others out. It's not something that you want because it's easier, like everyone around here has said. It's a way of paying for what is going on in the world and it's no more a fault of yours than it is of everyone else's. You have to do what you have to do. There's no one to help but yourself. You have so much help already, from people, from your church, and from your family. They love you, and they want to help you. They can't take the pain you go through every day, so it's not fair to expect them to. You have to learn to deal with it on your own, and if there's anything I've learned over the last year and a half, it's that you have a lot of people who care about you. A lot of people love you. You aren't a bad person because you are fat. Please don't let that define you. You are beautiful, inside and out. No one knows what you've been through, but you don't have to carry it all with you the rest of your life. It doesn't mean anything, or define you, or who you are as a person. That is just your back. I'll keep praying for you, and everyone else who is going through something like this. About Me I started this blog to make sense of the tangle of thoughts running through my head. For awhile I wasn't even sure what day it was. It was hard to keep up with the normal routine of getting up, eating breakfast, taking the kids to school, etc. I just felt like I was spinning my wheels and the normal chores didn't have enough reward for the energy expended. (I love chores, by the way.) I read all of the posts here to keep myself from getting overwhelmed and to keep my sanity intact. I don't always have the answers, but I do try. Please know that I appreciate every one of you. Thank you for reading, and for leaving comments and encouraging words. Email Me: LillieGraye@yahoo.com