I had no idea how deep this blog was until I started reading it. There's so much information in this post. I plan to re-read it because I am not sure how I missed some of this information. I just found out the hard way that sometimes it's better not to assume everyone knows what I am talking about.

I have two blog friends who are in the same predicament as I was. One was a part of this for years before I was and it took me months to find her out. She feels betrayed and confused. I know she would be upset about my post. I guess I owe her an apology, but I do not want to be her friend again.

As for the second one, we were actually best friends. For 5 years I could be in her office and she didn't care and did not lock her door. I went out to a function with her and a colleague. She had a drink with me in her office in a closed space. I did not see her again until today and for that I am glad that I have a close friend to turn to, but still confused about her actions. Maybe I'm just feeling a little insecure about the "open" relationship I had with her because she was so close to me.

I am glad that I posted because I learned so much. I never knew I was so wrong. Not only did I post wrong, but those who knew I was wrong did not speak up to point out my wrongs. I feel very foolish.

I was not trying to betray the person I said I love. I was never aware that she loves me and that she was just testing me to see how good a person I am and whether I can be trusted with the secret of her relationship with another woman. She never said a word about it to me. No one said anything to me. Not even my own husband or children. Why is it that when you are not around, no one says anything to you and when you are around, they tell you in no uncertain terms how stupid you are?

I have never been so hurt in my life. How is it possible that the people who were supposed to love me best have deserted me and betrayed me and taken their love back? I have no idea, but I feel very betrayed by them. I think I understand why so many people have chosen to believe in their own version of the universe over one that is real. Maybe it is a defense mechanism to accept a lie to protect the ones they love from pain.

Maybe I am wrong about that. Maybe the real version is true. Maybe I have a lot of explaining to do.

And it's so true. Don't get caught up in being someone you aren't.

I know. You can trust me with this secret, but you shouldn't let your husband, the kids or your best friend or anybody else know.

I had learned at an early age to be polite and respectful when dealing with strangers. You never know when you might be robbed, attacked or raped by a stranger. You don't know if you will receive assistance from the person who will not have any idea who you are or where you are from and in the end, you are all alone. And you could be killed before anyone has a chance to realize what is happening to you. So, I learned to be polite and respectful at the same time to help ensure I got any assistance I needed.

And I thought of nothing except the stranger that could appear at any moment. I never thought of where I would be going. I never thought of my own safety or my own family's safety. I was so worried about others, I could barely function.

Most people will not understand what it was like to live in fear and why I held this fear. You can read the title of my blog posts. I was afraid to open my mouth around anyone I didn't know because they could take away my innocence. And I never felt innocent. I was afraid of being raped or taken advantage of, abused or beaten. But the worst fear was if people would perceive me in a different way. Once you did, you are lost. You are no longer the person you used to be. Your self-esteem and confidence has been destroyed. I knew that deep down, but I never would have admitted it to anyone. I had to keep my pain to myself. I had no one to talk to about this and being raped, molested or beaten all my life made me feel like I was crazy, so I never talked about my fears to anyone.

I learned that once a stranger discovered my secret, my life would change and that included the life of my children. My kids did not exist because I had learned at an early age that no matter how much I loved them, no matter how much I felt they were like me, they were not really like me because they did not carry a secret like mine. They could go places with me because of my appearance. But when the secret was out, people knew me for what I was not. No one would really want a person like me. I was alone.

And my kids were still young. No matter what they learned about me, they were still young. I could never take away their innocence. That is a fact of life. As they grew, my fear subsided, but it never really went away. I still felt as if every face that appeared before me was a stranger's face.

It was only when my children were adults that I realized the extent of my fears and the impact it had on my relationships with them. When I had other kids to raise with my husband, my fears were gone for the most part. I had already learned what it was like to take care of children that were more or less mine, and it was in that situation that I felt as if my children and their friends were my kids, not just mine. And we had all grown up together so it was not just strangers anymore. My children's friends could not take my innocence and my children would not be hurt. My children did not have to know anything about my situation. Their innocence was enough