Rectal Rodeo clowns, the ones who dress in the big white boots, the sparkly eye makeup, and the red nose, are trained to give you an enema when you order an alcoholic drink. The idea is that if someone is going to drink a lot of booze, they’re going to need the bathroom at some point. And no sane person wants to be at a party and miss out on those shots of tequila by not ordering a drink. My best girlfriend, who is also my agent, laughed when I first told her this. The logic escapes her, and I think a lot of people don’t believe it either. I mean, just because some goofy guy dressed in clown makeup tells you to take a drink doesn’t mean you should! It seems irrational, right? That’s the thing about marketing. It makes you think of things that seem illogical, but once they’re presented to you in the form of entertainment, you get it and get behind it and support it. Like the guy on the street corner who tells you to go to the gym and work out. You don’t believe him, but once you see the weight you’ve gained start to fall off, it suddenly all makes sense. Right now, Americans are not in good shape. We’re the biggest nation in the world in terms of fat and calories. The solution seems obvious to me, if you think about it long enough: less junk food and more hard work. We don’t want to give up the soft drinks, so we have to work out harder and eat healthier food. That’s what my friend and I are trying to do. I told her that if she came over to my place, she was going to look at the food and make sure that it all fits into her health profile. I’ve done it before, and it’s a pretty easy process. First, there’s the exercise. Then you watch the calories and fat in the food. If it’s not in the “good” column, you pass it. That doesn’t mean you don’t eat the food, but you just don’t eat it until you can do it safely. And that way you feel a lot better about your meals. I really think you have to eat this way if you want to have that kind of control. If you eat the wrong thing all the time, you don’t have to think about it. All you have to do is eat. But if you’re thinking about what you eat, you’re much more likely to eat the right things for you. So that’s what I’m doing, and my girlfriend agrees. It’s a good plan. Not that it makes you much thinner, I should say. And it doesn’t make much sense, either. I can’t imagine we’ll be skinny by the time we’re thirty-five or so. But who wants to be healthy for health’s sake? The whole point of living in this amazing country is that there’s no need to be healthy because you have a really, really big fridge and you can go out to dinner at any time of day or night and eat delicious, delicious things that aren’t going to kill you. But the way I’ve designed the show isn’t to get people to understand that I’m a healthy man. In fact, the most important point I make is the opposite of what you just read. In fact, when I meet women who watch the show, they want to know why I don’t weigh more. The assumption is that everyone should eat like that. The show is based on the idea that you can’t say no to food, and that’s an important point that I think people don’t understand. I don’t tell people to do things because they’re going to make you feel good or like they are right for you. I try to present them in the best possible light, but it’s not my fault if they don’t work out for people. That’s on the people who read what I write. And I don’t make it easy for them. They say my job has gotten easier because I’ve been on more. But it’s become much more interesting, too. I never thought I’d be up so late at night working in a room with a group of men, which I did tonight. It’s interesting to me to know people who are working in other industries, and I appreciate all the help they give me. I mean, I really like these guys. It’s just been fascinating talking to them about their jobs. Even the ones who aren’t so well educated. They take a little bit of time with me and they’re honest. It’s great. I can understand why you guys are up so late. Even though the guys from New York, they think it’s insane. This is their time. They don’t understand. I told them the truth. I used to think the same thing. When I was a kid, I worked at a deli. I was up at five every morning, and I used to come home and work another shift after work. It was so brutal. My mom was a baker, so she was home all the time. It was an important job for her, but she had to deal with crazy people all the time. The customers would yell at her all day. But the weird thing was that she really liked it. And I didn’t understand that at the time. I’d come home and I’d tell my parents how much I hated it, but my dad would always be so great to me. He knew that I wasn’t happy, but he’d be like, “Do the best you can and we’ll go out for dinner when you’re done.” He’d never say that you should try to like what you do or make the best of your job. He did everything he could to get me out of it, and eventually I quit. I was sixteen, and he supported me through the whole thing, and now I think I should do the same for him. You can’t be miserable about your job. You might as well enjoy it, because it’s the only thing you’ve got. People like my parents did everything they could to save us from terrible situations, and I can’t help but think I should be able to do the same. It’s the best possible thing for me. And all I can do is try to be the best possible person I can be, because he wasn’t and I think the world is better because he did what he did. People ask me about the women I’ve met, and I say they’re really great. They’re very easy to work with. I’ve done some interviews with them where they give you an amazing interview, but they turn out not to be very nice. The interviewers end up so frustrated because they think they’ve got a story about a really great, intelligent woman who has gone through a ton of hardship and somehow pulled herself up by the bootstraps and made her way to some sort of incredible life in Hollywood. I’ve had a couple like that, but most are really great. They give you a really nice, balanced story. As for the women who I date, that’s easy. I treat them well because it’s the only way to go. Treating them badly is the reason that most women turn into crazy bitches or, like, insane lesbians. I’ve been married for over twenty-five years, and the last couple years I’ve met this amazing woman. She’s sweet and really good to me. She understands how important work is to me, and I respect her for that. We just get along and she is so supportive. And I treat them well, because it’s the only way to go. Treating them badly is the reason that most women turn into crazy bitches or, like, insane lesbians. I’ve been married for over twenty-five years, and the last couple years I’ve met this amazing woman. She’s sweet and really good to me. She understands how important work is to me, and I respect her for that. We just get along and she is so supportive. I tell them the same thing that my mom told me