Fasten Your Seatbelts, Folks, Everything's About To Get A Little Rough! Oh, I forgot. I wanted to say a few words about the current national news. A bunch of right-wing politicians, led by former GOP Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, want to take away everyone's health care -- everyone's insurance, that is -- and give us back to the free market. (I wonder if anyone will stop to ask the questions: 1) How will we afford this? 2) Why should the government ever be involved in this kind of thing? 3) Have we learned anything from the last time we did this?) Now, you would think these guys would be called "Socialists" and their policies demonized. Not quite. For once, the leftist press has been almost completely mute. But it's not all that they should worry about. In the new film Shrek The Third, the main character is a cute little bunny named Shrek. Just a couple of days ago, the world was shaken by the news that the bunny from the film, Shrek, had died. That must have been so upsetting to the producers of the film, given the fact that they had devoted so much time, energy and money to portraying this cute little character. You see, they had actually made an entire movie about the Shrek character and his adventures. Not only that, they also made a sequel. And, of course, it was going to be all about Shrek and his wife, the lovely Fiona. The first movie opened in 2007. It is an absolute blockbuster. It was huge, it was a hit, it was number one at the box office, and everyone went to see it. (My kids went to see it five times in one day -- and that's just one day!) Now they're working on a sequel. And, get this. Shrek's little brother, Donkey, is now going to be the star of the next film. As if that weren't bad enough, another group of leftists have managed to turn Mickey Mouse into a socialist. "What a surprise!" So, now we have "The Shrek Brothers" -- Shrek and Donkey. Let's get the word out about these evil leftists and their plan to have the government help people. (Please tell me this isn't happening -- anyone?) Here is how the Hollywood Reporter tells it: "Universal and Warner Bros. have joined together to bankroll Shrek 3 and Scared Shrekless, which would reunite the cast of the DreamWorks Animation franchise -- Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy and Antonio Banderas -- for three new fairy-tale films. "The movies would be written and produced by original Shrek scribes William Steinkellner and John H. Williams as well as new scribes David Stem and Todd Berger, with Steinkellner directing and producing." That's right. And the movies will feature another one of the original characters -- "Ogre," which I'm told is the character's proper name. (How sad!) And did you know that the story of Shrek is more socialist than anything since Che Guevara? The Ogre's mother is a princess and her father is a king who has been exiled. And a poor little Ogre is born, with only four fingers and no thumbs. One of the characters (I think it's Ogre) is really into a system of government where everyone is entitled to a little of everyone else's stuff. And no one in the movie is allowed to have weapons except for Ogre. So that makes Shrek another Che Guevara for today's kids. Or is it George Bush? Well, since the leftists are going to make everybody into a socialist, I hope I don't get to be a president -- or a king, for that matter -- in the movie. One can only hope that I never read to my children about the wicked capitalist in the next movie, who has taken away the rights of the workers to their profits, and all is about to go bankrupt. I can only pray that they don't learn about the evil king in Shrek 3 who has decided to have only the rights of the rich and the royal. Oh, and by the way -- what kind of person could help Ogre? (Oh, and just in case you were wondering, my name is Shrek -- and I'm an ex-socialist.) (I think I'm going to get some popcorn and watch Scared Shrekless.) (My kids never miss Shrek!) P.S. This is important. Let's start the call to action with this news -- that all the socialists don't want you to hear: The new film Scared Shrekless -- that's right, Scared Shrekless -- is to be released in July, so now is the time for you to do something about it. Polls have shown that almost no one knows about this film. You know why? Because the leftist Hollywood big-shot who said he would "promote" this film failed miserably. There is a rumor that he promised to be paid more money to do so, but then changed his mind. You know who that might have been? George Bush! In a recent interview, the new president (George Bush, that is) said he was upset by the leftist film Scared Shrekless. Yes, he said that. Scared Shrekless was a film designed to make children scared to take over the country. It wasn't about the welfare of the nation. No, not at all. It was about George W. Bush and the evil Bush who is a conservative. And the people who made the film hated George Bush. They told him so, on camera, while they were making it. Well, maybe if you didn't sit around doing nothing, you could have stopped them -- since, like me, you're one of the few people left in this country who remembers what happened to this country, before the leftists took it over. You see, you had a country with honest government, with its government spending within the means of the taxpayers. Now you have a government that has no sense of responsibility. And you have George Bush trying to fix what was broken by the leftists. But you can't fix what they did by just taxing it away. You can't fix it by spending more. You have to fix it by spending within your means. That's the only way to get this country back on its feet again. It's about the only way to get this country back. You'd think, after all this time, after all these years, the leftists would have learned that they don't have a right to anyone's money. They can spend the money for every one of them -- and make another, just as easily as they got the first one. But you know, if you're still reading this letter, and if you're listening to me, then you know something I didn't know before. You know that all we have to do is explain the situation -- and there are still some of you that will listen. If you will help to spread the word about what you know is happening, we can stop the leftists from using these movies to make you fear our government. And maybe, just maybe, we can get this country turned around. In fact, maybe we can get this country so turned around, that the Democrats will have to come to us to beg us to get them back in power again. And now the Democrats are coming -- and they are asking, "Where's the money going?" I'll tell you where it's going: It's going to a black hole, headed straight for a black hole. I kid you not. You can say this is all just crazy talk, but it's not. I would bet that any bookies on Wall Street would give me even money on that bet. But I'm not playing the bookies anymore. I'm playing the American people. I have been for years. And I'm winning. Yes, I've been in Washington since 1982. I've been watching the leftists get in and out of this place for over 30 years. And I've gotten to know them. I'm the only American in Washington who will go on CNN and talk about the leftist media bias. I'm the only American in Washington who will tell the world about the "fairness doctrine" -- you know, the bias against conservatives who have to pay more money for their media time to give conservative views a fair shake. And I'm the only American in Washington who has been allowed to tell the country about conservative news in a non-biased way. So I'm no longer playing the bookies. But I'll bet you I know where the money is going. And it's going to a black hole. When we're talking about Social Security, people complain that we can't afford it. But we could afford it, if they'd just give us back some of the money we gave to Social Security so they could spend