I'm the Kingpin." "What?" "I'm the Kingpin." "Yeah, and I'm the Hood." "Okay, listen, I'm not into thuggery but I got a good thing going, and I'm not gonna let some jive-ass cop take it from me, okay?" "Hey, your majesty." "Let's get out of here." "I'm taking you home." "How about my palace?" "I like this place." "You take advantage of people, you end up behind bars." "Hey, that's a nice dress." "I've seen better." "Hey, my grandma gives better head." "What's wrong with you?" "Don't talk to me like that." "People say I'm really cute." "Well, then what are you bitching about?" "I'm not." "But I am." "Woo!" "And this is the only way to do it." "You got a thing for this girl?" "Who?" "That--girl." "I don't have a thing for her." "I like her." "I got to be one of her very best friends." "It's tough to be a girl in this business." "I don't know, I guess I don't know how tough it is." "I mean, could you imagine being responsible for billions of dollars worth of merchandise?" "Where it's bought and sold like commodities?" "Now, that's more than anybody in this room ever thought about." "And those are all decisions made by me, by me, by me." "I get on a plane." "I meet a woman." "She's cute." "She's charming." "And we have what we call a chemistry together." "And I say to myself, "How do I keep her interested in me?"" "Let me tell you, ladies." "I'm so excited to be here tonight." "I just can't help but reach down and feel your poopy schmoopies." "Hey, I want you to put those hands in the front of your pants." "There you go." "I wish you could reach in there." "Mine!" "He's mine!" "Get him out of here." "Let's go." "He's the jerk." "Come on, jerk." "Come on, jerk!" "Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for this tremendous group," "America's Ten Worst Drivers." "You know, when you drive like that, I want you to imagine all you're looking at is nothing but the ass of my jeans." "I think my pants brought the book on me tonight." "Yeah." "Boo!" "Now, for our final story of the evening, courtesy of your friends from the school of journalism." "Do you know these kids?" "No." "All right, everybody." "Ready?" "Smile?" "That man ought to keep his pants pressed." "Get the book out of here." "Hey, hey, hey!" "All right, this is for you people in mail-order houses." "We go to different colleges, different towns." "We're good people." "We're just trying to do something for a living." "There's nothing wrong with that." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage tonight's keynote speaker of the evening," "Mr. Mike Leary." "It's my ass in this shirt!" "My ass in this shirt!" "Wait!" "A comedian!" "He just did all those commercials." "No, no, no." "And he's funny." "I don't want to go on." "No, you got to go up there." "Come on." "Come on." "Get on up there." "It's like a disease that you can't get rid of." "Hey, what's going on?" "It's okay." "You can say it." "It's okay, honey." "I guess you better say it." "Yeah, okay." "Well, okay." "I guess it's like that" "That's the way it is." "Oh, come on." "That's the way it is." "That's the way it is." "It's not that bad." "That's all right." "I love you, Mr. Leary." "I'm just gonna sit right here." "The jokes aren't working." "Yeah, they're fine." "I don't want to get out of here." "It's hot in here." "Here's an idea." "Why don't you take off the shirt?" "And the jokes are starting to work a little bit." "It makes more sense." "Let me have my shirt!" "Let me have it!" "You're not so bad yourself." "Are you a real policeman?" "Or are you gay?" "I'm gay." "Hey, are you the guy on TV that, uh, always wears the shorts?" "How do you know if I'm gay?" "Honey, just take the shirt off." "You wanna see my gun?" "You don't?" "Then what do you want?" "Don't do that!" "I just wanna look at it." "God, it's all right!" "No, no, no." "That's not all right." "Turn off the camera, or I'll kick your ass out of here!" "This is as sexy as it gets." "Come on, babe, don't do that!" "I won't tell." "I won't tell." "Don't" " What are you doing?" "Stop." "No, no." "Why did you stop?" "What's your name?" "I don't want to tell you." "What's your name?" "Don't do that!" "Don't do that." "Well, thank you very much." "We love you, Mike." "Thanks very much." "Nice tie, pal." "Thanks." "You remember my commercials?" "Remember in one of my commercials the camera gets to see my ass?" "Well, this is that ass." "I am Mike Leary, and I wouldn't kick any ass." "And I say to you if it wasn't for the police there wouldn't be any asses." "You know?" "Thanks." "My wife, that's me, says I'm very charming." "You are my wife's best friend." "Well, her name's Sarah." "But to some people I'm her best friend's best friend." "So we get to know each other pretty well." "I don't think my husband likes Sarah very much." "See, I have a theory." "I think that everybody's got their thing." "So if your thing is that you hate your husband, then I'm thinking, my thing is that I hate your husband." "If my husband comes to pick me up," "I'm gonna have one of my friends say" "Hi, honey!" "A woman's got to have a little bit of a bad side." "Doesn't she?" "That's why God invented whiskey." "Hey, let's go home and make love all night." "Okay, Mike." "Hey, hey, hey." "No more of this." "Please?" "I'm not gonna" "If we start now, we might get in trouble." "That was the most sickening display I've ever seen." "Are you kidding?" "Honey, if that was any of your boys that beat him up, I'd be dead right now." "Hey, it was all of my boys, right?" "We'll see you at the party tonight." "I'm gonna have a few people over to my place later, and I want you to come." "Okay." "Thanks a lot." "That was for you." "You know, I mean, it's the thing that happens with you when you get to be around the young kids." "The guys just forget everything." "What does that mean?" "It's always nice to have a kid like that who cares about his dad." "It means everything." "Hi, Dad." "Hey, Mike." "Mike!" "Hey, how you doing?" "It's nice to see you, sir." "Yeah, it's nice to see you." "I thought you were dead." "Hey, Dad, let me introduce you to my friends." "This is my dad, Mr. Leary." "Hi, Dad." "Nice to meet you." "Hey, Mike, would you ask Sarah to come down?" "I want to have a little chat with her." "All right." "Mike, don't embarrass me." "Come on." "Nice to see you." "You like to get together a lot, don't you?" "We can have dinner one night." "We'll just, you know" "Mike, I don't wanna" "Dad, please, don't be too nice to me." "You don't wanna" "Look, I know you're gonna probably have a few questions for me." "Hey, ask him about the rumors he puts out there." "What rumors?" "About me being dead, man." "Wait till you meet her, Dad." "She's really something." "Yeah, I'm here to see my little sister." "Your name, please?" "She'll be right back." "Okay, sir." "She's gonna say" " Hey, this isn't too funny." "And she said to me that she thought there was gonna be a riot or something when you got here." "Hey, Mr. Leary