Gender Bender_ was her nickname at school. Most boys and girls thought she was a tomboy, which she felt made her a pretty unique and interesting person. It wasn't until her last year of high school that she realized she felt completely different from everyone else around her. She had gone through puberty and yet she still felt like she didn't fit in anywhere. Everywhere she went, people treated her differently. She noticed she would walk right past a guy she was interested in without a second thought, yet she would stop to chat with other girls about their boyfriends. Her friends started to call her the Gender Bender, and she liked that. It fit her and she had finally found her place in the world. She had finally become comfortable in her own skin. It didn't matter that there were more differences than similarities between her and the other members of the _Hetero Club_ at school. What mattered to them was the fact that she didn't mind being so different. The _Hetero Club_ was her brotherhood, and she was happy that she was one of them. She couldn't imagine what her life would have been like if she had been different. She had a crush on one of the guys on the baseball team, but he was dating a gorgeous cheerleader, and no one was brave enough to cross that forbidden line. She didn't date much at all that year, although she wasn't really sure why. She knew what guys were into, but they never seemed to try to get to know her or see past her "macho" image. When she moved to New York, she found herself out of place, just as much as she had felt in high school. She found the same comfort in the _Hetero Club_ as a way to hide the parts of herself that were different. There were a few guys at _Hetero Club_ she had been interested in. She had even let herself fantasize about them in her early days in New York. But the _Hetero Club_ guys never showed the slightest interest in her or let her get any closer than just talking. She figured out pretty quickly that they just didn't care to get to know anyone who wasn't in their kind of group. The first time she met Peter, she knew she'd be willing to make the effort to make him feel the same way. He was handsome and friendly and fun, and he loved to flirt. She was surprised she had never noticed him around _Hetero Club_. He looked normal and fit in with everyone. She was completely fascinated that he was gay, but for all intents and purposes, he seemed to be _completely_ straight. He was the type of guy that other girls would go crazy for, and yet the only time he ever got close to her was when he tried to steal a kiss from her at the pub. She kissed him back, but she didn't touch him the whole night. He tried to get her to go out with him. She wanted to and really hoped that they could be together, but she was afraid that the attention she received from the other boys around her would be too much for Peter to handle. She hated that she was the one who would have to leave him behind, and she promised herself that he wouldn't be the last one she didn't hurt. She wanted to be with someone like Peter so badly that she didn't care if she lost him altogether. That was what made her so sad when he ended their night together abruptly, leaving her standing at the front door of his apartment. "Hey, where ya going?" he had asked. She looked up at him through watery eyes and said, "Home." He didn't understand why she was crying, and she didn't have an answer to give him. She couldn't tell him how hard it was going to be for her to be away from him. She had to break it off for his own good. She had started working at the bar in the month after they broke up, and it felt good to not only have a job, but a reason to be around people that she didn't really have to hide herself around. She had so many questions for Michael and the other bartenders. She wanted to learn everything she could about being transgender and how to help herself and her friends. It was like therapy. Then one day she just knew she couldn't go on another day pretending to be someone she wasn't any longer. She sat in the hallway outside her apartment one morning and opened her computer and Googled the word, "transgender," and watched as the definition and list of transgender-related articles kept scrolling down the page. It was a long list of definitions, and she felt like an entire lifetime of searching would never lead her to a definition that made her feel whole. It was during her search that she decided she would come out to her friends. She felt like they already knew about her—they didn't look at her any differently. And she had always liked the idea of the Gender Bender being someone that her friends could look up to. One step at a time, she thought. She was still scared to go back home and face Michael, but she figured she would have to do it sooner or later. She hadn't stopped thinking about him since they had broken up and he had been gone for a month now. He was the only person that she felt like she could really talk to about all of this. She missed him a lot. The minute she walked in, the first thing she noticed was the sound of Peter's laughter in the living room. It was too dark to see what he was doing in there, but she could hear his voice all the way from the front door. She was suddenly filled with a sense of relief. She didn't want to talk to him just then, but it was good to know he was still around. Michael was sitting at the kitchen table. "Hi, Michael," she said. He raised his eyebrows at her. "Didn't expect to see you again for a while," he said. "You up for a beer?" "Yeah, I'm sure the boys are thirsty after last night." "Well, Peter's out on his balcony. I'm sure you can find some empty cans somewhere," he said. "You want one?" "That would be nice," she said. She wasn't sure if Peter was listening to their conversation, but she wasn't going to let Michael see that she didn't know if it was all right to have a beer with him. Peter was sitting at the table when she walked out of the bathroom. He looked up and smiled at her. "You need help?" he asked. "Yeah, we're out of beer. Could you pass some around, please?" She pulled up a chair and sat down. She felt a little like she had to get a little bit drunk to be able to talk to him, but not so much that she would be out of control. She wanted to be as clear-headed as possible when she talked to him. Peter went in the kitchen, and Lena began to talk. She told Peter about how she was so sad after he had left and how she couldn't get him out of her mind. She told him how much it would mean to her if he would let her stay there with him and let her be with him like he had hoped. He looked at her with hopeful eyes, but his face fell when she told him that she wasn't sure if she could be his girlfriend and go out in public with him. "I'm transgender, Peter. I think it might be better if you just stayed away from me for now." He looked away from her and cleared his throat. "Um... okay. Well, uh, thanks for the beer." Peter walked out to get more beer, and she realized that he didn't have any room to talk, either. She couldn't help but feel as if he had somehow betrayed her by letting her down in some way. She started thinking about Michael when she was a baby and never got to say goodbye to him. Her brothers and sisters and her parents took him from her when she wasn't even old enough to remember who he was, but it still ached for her to have lost the chance to say goodbye to him. The pain of seeing the love of your life taken away from you was something that no one should ever have to experience. She thought about how she could probably stay with Peter and not tell anyone. He was a man, after all. It would be easy for him to figure out who she was and what she was supposed to do with her life, and he would just figure out that she was transgender one day when he saw her with his friends. It would be easier for him to accept it than for him to see her with his friends, too. She would be a man, but he would love her just the same. She could hide inside him, but it would always be the same awful pain of missing her father and the fact that no matter what she did, she couldn't bring him back to life. A couple of weeks later, they were in a taxi and Michael looked over at her. "You know, we haven't seen you for a few days. You okay?" "Yeah, I'm just going out for a