I know you hear me when I cry. Tell Mommy you love her._ _Your Baby_ _When I went to the hospital and said I thought I was having a baby I really did not know what to expect. You were so quiet in your belly that day I kept saying "Where's your heartbeat? Where's your heartbeat? Where's your heartbeat?" It was as if you had your own thoughts and that they had nothing to do with me._ _I felt you move around all day. I tried to imagine you trying to do what I do to help you in there. You had a head in one end of you and all kinds of arms and legs inside, and toes and fingers and elbows and knees...and you kicked me in the face with a foot._ _It was hard to believe that little thing was inside me. I kept thinking, "My God, what have I done?" You kept trying to push your way out and didn't feel so big in there after a while, but then I guess that's just the way babies are. They make your belly feel all tight and hard, and that's how it is with you._ _Diana got to stay home from work the day you were born. She came by to visit every day. Her hair was still shiny then, and her skin was so fresh, it was like she didn't want to dirty her hands._ _I am the luckiest man in the world and that's all I have to say._ _Your Daddy_ _I made you laugh on your birthday when you were so happy. Then all of a sudden you were born, and you were so happy, too. What a day. I was so glad I came home in time to see you. It seemed like everybody else wanted me to go back to work but I was glad I didn't because that day was the best of my life. All the things that went before are blurs in my head now, and it is as if I am in a different place than everyone else. You are the only one that is like me. That first time I saw you was amazing. I love the sound of your voice and how it makes you smile. And your eyes—I couldn't wait to see you again, and here we are._ _I wish that I could keep all of these moments like I used to, but that's the way it is. You just can't do it, no matter how much I try._ _Your Daddy_ ## The Difference I'm glad to see that you are doing well with the little ones, but when it comes to me—well, that's another story. I feel like you want to make up for a lot of lost time and it's taking every ounce of my being to cope with that. The problem is you don't know where to start—your head's so big and full of knowledge and you don't know where to put any of it, much less share it with me. I never had any idea that being a father was going to be so hard, but now that I know you, it makes me even more grateful for all the joy I have with all my children. All of your mother's boys and girls—they can tell you how wonderful fatherhood is, and they're all over the place helping me get ready for you. There was a time when they were all gone, but you and your sister were the best. We didn't want you to become spoiled, we just wanted you to know you were loved. You were always able to calm me down when all the rest of my babies couldn't. You could be upset and get over it in minutes—some days you even could be mad at me and I knew you were over it the next moment. If one of your sisters was screaming in the living room or your mommy was doing her crazy thing, I'd scream at you to come and help me—and I always knew you would. You were there for me. But when I look at you now, I can see you aren't that little boy anymore. Your hair is growing out. It's longer than it used to be, and you've got lots of curly brown and blond curls. It's time to cut it. You are almost two years old now. I got a special haircut for you with a very cute boy who wants to marry your mommy someday. His name is Joe and he's been talking to her for a while now. I think he's a good young man. She's thinking of moving in with her parents but she still wants to be friends with you, if that's okay with you. _You and Joe_ ## Things That Make Me Happy: 1. Making you smile. 2. My dogs—Lizzy and Lily. 3. When you try to talk—you're like a little puppy. 4. Making pancakes. 5. Eating cookies. 6. Hiding something for you—if it's anything special. 7. Making you a present out of leftovers. 8. Watching you read to your sisters. 9. When you climb up into my lap. 10. Watching you do cartwheels. 11. Knowing you love books. 12. When you say "Mommy" at night. 13. Watching you sleep. 14. When you wake up and look at me—making my heart jump. 15. Watching you sleep, too—the two of you like peas in a pod. ## Things That Make Me Sad: 1. When you want to go and I say, "No, it's not time for you to go, stay and play a little longer." 2. When you keep crying and I don't know what to do with you. 3. When you can't stay awake. 4. When you run out of time and I know I'll never get to be with you like this again. 5. When I want you to stay with me forever and a day and I know you can't. ## _Things That Make Me Brave:_ 1. Caring about someone else's feelings. 2. Watching you take care of other people when they are sick. 3. Telling you it's all right to share your feelings with me because you know I'll always tell you the truth. 4. When you reach out and touch my arm—giving me strength when I need it. 5. When you bring me happiness—even if it's only for a minute. ## _Things That Make Me Laugh:_ 1. When you come down the stairs and go crazy when I get you some milk. 2. When you are just about to cry but can't quite catch your breath, or when you want to know what we are going to be doing next. 3. When we sit on the couch and watch you read. 4. When I say "no" to you. 5. When you fall asleep on your daddy's lap. 6. When you try to put on your shoes. 7. When you tell your sisters to cut off the littlest piece of whatever they are eating. 8. When I startle you and you run away from me. 9. When I kiss your forehead to make you feel better. 10. When you say, "I love you, Daddy" and your sister cries and tries to get out of her chair. 11. When we get on your bed and read a book. 12. When you fall asleep. 13. When you start taking off your shirt because your dress is wet and you can't get it dry fast enough. 14. When you say, "My shirt is too big, can I have it now?" 15. When you want to jump in the pool. 16. When you are on my lap and I'm reading the newspaper and I just look at you and your chin drops to the ground and you go to sleep. 17. When you call me Daddy like you used to. 18. When I get dressed for work and try to get you to stay in bed a little longer than usual. 19. When you climb into my lap and say, "I love you." ## Things That Make Me Feel Guilty: 1. When you don't want me to do something, but I feel bad because I want to be with you. 2. When you think your mommy can't have enough to eat. 3. When you want to read to your sisters and I have to say no because I'm doing something that I know they like. 4. When you tell me you are angry and you turn and run away and you know I can't talk to you. 5. When you cry out in the night and I can't come to you. 6. When you ask for something that I know I can't give you, but I want to give it to you anyway. 7. When your sister or brother teases you or hurts you and I don't come to help you. 8. When you cry. ## _Things That Make Me Feel Stupid:_ 1. When you can't understand anything I say because I can't understand what's in