What are you wondering? I'm sure you've wondered about it yourself. And so much for the old saying that only children have wild imaginations! You have more than a wild imagination. You can make up a good excuse for any behaviour, if you can think it up on the spot. 'I don't know why I did that. I'm not sure what I was thinking, I'll have to go back and check I didn't accidentally swerve into someone and then I'll come back and tell you. I just think I saw some kids in the road, not really playing, just standing there but then they weren't there any more. It was weird. It's like I've just seen a ghost. But they were in a big group of people waiting for their bus so maybe I just saw some people standing in the wrong place...' This kind of talk is useful in the days when you need to come up with a good excuse for why you fell over, knocked something over, hit someone or did some other nasty thing. When it's cold, you can always claim you slipped on a puddle. There is no way your parents will believe a story as elaborate as this one, but your friends will. It all comes down to the age-old maxim: try to be original. You are likeable, but for all sorts of reasons, people want to avoid confrontation with you. But how do you deal with a grown-up who wants to talk to you? # Tips for talking to grown-ups For all its apparent sophistication, the world of adults can still be an intimidating place. When you do finally talk to one of them, it might be only to ask where the toilet is. Or you might find that you just want to escape. A word of warning: don't. It will be harder than you think. Here's how to do it. 'If you're like me, you will feel frightened of speaking to grown-ups when you first become a teenager. The world is a scary place for little children who are always vulnerable to people who are stronger and smarter. In my case, for a long time I felt frightened of talking to my parents.' But fear is not just about the fear of talking to your parents – it's about whether or not they are going to accept you for who you are. This is easier said than done. 'I always felt terrified when I had to meet my grandfather, the person who had brought me up. There were a lot of things about me he did not like. I was very different from the men in his family, particularly my father. When we got together for dinner, I always felt trapped and on edge.' People who have had a rough childhood find it much harder to meet their parents' standards. How to do it? 'I have to say to myself: "My mother has done her best for me; she has had enough of a hard time herself. And I should not feel hard done by that she did her best with me."' That's only natural. You have parents who had little choice over bringing you up. And you should not feel that you are not as good as other children because your parents had little choice about bringing you up. But how do you cope when your mother does not want to see you? 'In the first instance, a young person has to find ways to find things out that she needs to know. When I was in my teens, I was so anxious that I needed to find out why my father was not around. He was supposed to have had another baby, a boy I would never have seen because he had died before my birth. I had to find out that he had walked out on my mother and I, and for reasons I could not understand.' This is another case where the law comes to your aid. It is not your fault that you find out the secrets of your parents. As long as you are a minor, their behaviour is their business, not yours. They can do what they like as long as they don't cause you harm. That's why it is called harm by the law. They are not obliged to tell you what goes on in their lives, and you have a right to a decent upbringing, so that you can develop into the adult you want to be. The fact that they are still alive does not mean that they are not harming you by not telling you what's going on in their lives. 'I can understand why grown-ups might be reluctant to talk to teenagers about sex and sexuality. Young people will do anything in their power to avoid talking about it, which is why there is a big problem with teenagers feeling they have to go off to get abortions. But the worst thing is that a teenager is a baby. So when we talk about being a teenager, we are taking about a baby who's being abused and bullied.' There is a lot of wisdom in this. You are right to say that children feel uneasy talking about sex with adults, particularly their parents. Of course, adults should not be telling you what to do when you are a child, but should they not be saying anything? Adults just don't know what to say to you about sex and sexuality, but they can still talk to you about other things. You are a person, not a thing that is sex-or-death. 'You might also find it difficult to talk to your parents about sex when you are an adult. Perhaps the best place to start is with this: Is it all right for me to talk to my parents about sex and love and that sort of thing? Is it all right if I ask them questions? How will they react? What do I need to know? If your parents react badly, there are some things you can do. For example, you might be angry that they don't want to talk about these things. If you think you can tell them how angry you are, say: "That's exactly how I feel and I think it's ridiculous that you can't discuss sex with your children. But I can understand how upset it is for you to think of talking to me about sex."' There are other things you can do. You might write a letter to your parents, or, if they are dead, to their nearest relatives. These letters are very important because they will help explain things to you, and in the course of explaining, will help you to understand. 'The things to say are: "I am asking you to talk to me and not just ignore me." You can even add: "I would be very glad to listen to what you have to say." If they say they don't want to have sex with you because you're too young and too immature, you should say: "I'm not a little girl any more, I am a young woman. I know about love and sex and that's why I want to talk to you about it. I don't want to have to start talking to my father's or mother's best friend." That's what they'd say. You must put all your feelings into words. When you feel angry, furious, jealous or hurt, say so.' It will help your parents see you in a better light if you have the courage to say to them what's on your mind. Do your feelings get hurt easily? 'The fact that you have feelings is not the same as saying you are going to do something about it. But that doesn't mean you can't feel.' You can't do what you want to do if the people you want to do it with can't or won't, or won't talk to you about what they do. That's what we're talking about: How can I talk to my parents about sex if they don't want to? Can I ask them what they do about sex? How would they like me to talk to them? There are other questions you should ask: How are they raising you up? What do they think of your sex life? Who have they told you they were when they were young? How is it different now? It is much harder for us to do the things that we think are right than it is for the people we love. So if we think it is right for us to have sex, it's harder for us to have sex. This is why sex education is so important. Because if it's not explained properly, if it's wrong, there's nothing you can do about it. You have to go by what your parents say – and many of the ideas you will hear from them will be ridiculous, and will make you feel very confused. But even if they do not want you to have sex at your age, that is no reason for not having it. We do not have to do as they say, unless they tell us that they're going to be a parent to us until we are eighteen. So you should speak up for yourself and tell them that it's up to you. What's the point of doing things that you don't feel comfortable doing? Adults also make sex hard for teenagers because they don't say: "Of course you can have sex, if you want to." So if you tell them, "I've been told I can't have sex until I am eighteen," and your parents say: "I didn't tell you that," you have an excellent argument to say: "Actually you did tell me. You were talking about the difference between children and adults. Children always must obey their parents and your saying that I must