Two Peas in a Pod I've told you before and I'll tell you again, I'm not a big believer in the age of your kids and its relation to parenting. There are people who just seem to be made of tough enough stuff to not fall apart when they lose their kids, no matter how old they are, and then there are those who seem like they'd just burst into tears at the first sign of a little bit of adversity. Neither one of these personality types seem better or worse than the other. My kids are both good kids. They have friends, they have interests, they like to play with lego, they like to color and read. They never go on any bad adventures or get into any mean things. I have never once had to deal with behavioral issues or any issues at all like that, nothing that might warrant putting them in therapy. We don't have the kind of rough family stuff that most parents do, we are pretty easy going, we laugh a lot, we have good values and good communication. Most of us (or at least those of us in this life with kids) want our kids to turn out ok. We're not naive enough to think that they'll grow up to be superheroes or brilliant or talented or athletic or anything like that, but we do want them to be well rounded, stable people. We want them to have the mental and physical tools to get through life on their own without the crutch of our love and support and hand holding. When my daughter (who'll be 3 this Sunday) is old enough for us to enroll her in Tae Kwan Do, I want to be able to tell her when I talk to her about it that she is doing the right thing. When my wife and I are in the same place at the same time, we know that we have had a very good week if our children are happy and have had a good day, especially since they're both quite young. This can happen in large part because of our parenting style. For example, we always try to be upbeat and optimistic with our kids (and try not to curse them too much either) and talk to them a lot about the things they are interested in. We talk about the things that we've done and tell them about the things we are going to do and make sure to praise good things about them. We live in a wonderful neighborhood with good schools and a great social community and it is very clear that our kids are well liked by the neighbors. They are in the neighborhood groups and sports and clubs, so we've done well to provide a supportive environment for them. It's a good life we have given our kids, if only because my wife and I are pretty happy. What I try to do and what I think has worked out pretty well for our kids is to always give them a little bit of both. We show that we are proud of them, but not that proud. We make sure they see how hard we work at our jobs, but we don't make a big fuss about it. They know we've done some pretty cool stuff and we tell them about it, but we don't force them to read the paper or listen to a press conference if they aren't interested. When they are a little older, we tell them the things they can do on their own and we don't hover over them like they're going to slip into the toilet. Because my wife and I spend a lot of time with our kids, they know us. We've had some very frank discussions about good choices and bad ones and we know that they will tell us. We also know that they are capable of making their own good choices. They aren't dumb or lazy or even naive and because of this, we have confidence that our kids can deal with a lot of stuff on their own. That doesn't mean that I trust them or leave them alone, but I'm not going to hover and overprotect them. I think the key is balance. I think the key is balance. You don't need to follow some dogmatic course to be a good parent, but you do need to think about some things. It seems to me that in many cases it's not the big things that are damaging, it's the little things. It's a bad choice at the grocery store, a bit of laziness on the soccer field and having trouble getting your kids to sleep at night. Those little things are big things for children, especially younger ones. I know that I've got some pretty well-adjusted, active kids, but I can't imagine some of the stuff I had to deal with as a kid. Like so many people, I didn't get any of that parental "stuff" from my folks, which is probably a good thing in some respects. I am not trying to discourage any parents from talking to their children about good choices and bad choices, but you don't have to yell and curse them out and tell them what you think you'd like for them to do. When you do make a point and something happens, make sure that your kids see you as a good person with good reasons and they'll remember it. Even if they don't want to take your advice or make the good choices, at least they'll know that you were proud of them for the right reasons. You don't have to love them with the best of all possible mommies in the world, but I've found that a bit of confidence goes a long way. 6 comments: Mama, it sounds like you and your wife are doing a good job. I personally see nothing wrong with just being a normal dad. It's nice to hear that your kids are both active and smart and doing well in school. You have good values, that is obvious, and I love that you and your wife support each other so that you can be the best parent you can be for your children. You're right about getting that balance. If you expect perfection from your kids, well you'll be disappointed. And being their parent is about working for the good of the children, yes? Even when you think they are doing everything wrong or bad or dangerous? :) I always try to balance it, but when it's busy, that's the hardest part. There are some days where I try to make sure we make dinner but my daughter has too many projects to work on, and the kid knows that dinner isn't as important as his/her own projects. Then the kid makes her own dinner and she gets it all wrong. Yeah. On the other hand, we also get to go watch him/her play. So it's all good. I tend to spend way too much time thinking about parenting. I have to remind myself all the time that my kids are not me. They can do things on their own and I do them, but we are not the same. I've decided that I just need to be involved more in their lives, just to keep things from falling apart. About the Crayon Test, I'm a big believer in the psychological stuff. There are some children who need to have their behaviors managed (sometimes, it's not all their fault), and there are some children that will never want to live their own lives unless they're forced. I have to say that I completely agree with you. It is all a matter of balance, I think, whether it's good or bad. We're all on different paths, and parents don't have the ability to walk their children's paths for them. Kids do have the ability to choose their own paths, though. Some families do a great job of helping out and guiding them when they want help, but they can also be given the freedom to make their own mistakes and come back from them. How do we decide when and how much to help and when to give them the freedom to be the person they need to be? I guess that's the tough part. That's a good point. Kids do tend to have a natural instinct to be independent if they can. Part of the value of letting them make a wrong decision is to give them a sense of responsibility. It seems like the big thing for some parents is that they are always right. Which they are, to a certain extent, but only because they were told that they were. They can't imagine that there is something outside of what they see. There are some kids that just need a good shake and a lot of encouragement to move on. Of course, most of those kids aren't worth much as human beings. I wish more parents could be like you and not think that being right means that you have to yell and scold and brow beat your kids to death. I find myself getting tired of the "my kid should be able to..." when some days I feel like crap. I was told, "I don't want to hear about any of your problems. What do you want me to say? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard?" It's an attitude of the "no pain no gain" mind set. A "just keep going strong" attitude works for some people but not for