Caterpillar to a Butterfly When I was 9, I saw the movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas. And while everyone else in my family loved the film, I was absolutely fascinated by the scene where Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas tells about the Grinch and the town that he hates so much. One of his most infamous lines is “Who Done It?” So it’s easy to relate to the Grinch. After all, who in our own lives really did it? It could be the boss, our parents, siblings, friends, kids, parents, employers, colleagues, or just our own faults. But there is one common thread that runs through almost all these scenarios. We did it to ourselves. Why did we do it to ourselves? Because we were our own judge and jury. But, what if we stopped and realized that all along? If we truly owned who we were and saw where we needed to change, we would not need to find out who did it to us. What is the origin of the saying “They’re always saying, “Who done it?” They point the finger but never take responsibility for their actions? This is a very common scenario and we often have this same attitude. “Who did it?” is the question that I ask myself when I find myself frustrated, upset, or a victim of the blame game. It comes from the story of The Little Engine That Could. In that story, a train is sitting by a side track, and the conductor is yelling at the engineer to go around to the main track. The conductor is saying, “All the engines are going up except ours, we must be defective!” The engineer is looking for the problem, but sees nothing wrong. So the conductor calls out to one of the passengers who tells him to shut up. The train starts to move, and one of the passenger says to the engineer, “They’re always saying, “Who done it?” They point the finger but never take responsibility for their actions?” So with this conversation, the engineer decides to go around the side track. In that story, the conductor is pointing to the engineer to take responsibility. We often make this mistake. Sometimes, people point to us to take responsibility for our mistakes or for our difficult relationships. But it’s important to realize that we have an equal responsibility for our actions. Our first response is to blame others. In my experience, when we blame others, it’s most often that we’re not making a request or taking responsibility for our actions. Another common place we lose sight of that responsibility is in our relationships. In some of my past relationships, my partner and I may have been quick to blame each other when our relationship got to rough and it ended. What happened was that neither of us would take responsibility for our feelings, responses, and behaviors. So when things started to get tough, I blamed her for the problems and she blamed me. So if the relationship ended, I took the blame and she took the blame. Neither of us took responsibility for the state of the relationship. It’s only fair that you take responsibility for who you are, where you are, and what you’re doing. If you’re not living your best life, it’s up to you to take responsibility and make the changes that will improve your life. That’s not to say you should do it all alone. When I look at my own life and realize that I did it to myself, I realize that it is OK to let someone help me along the way. Sometimes, that help takes the form of friends, family members, a therapist, and sometimes even a coach. You get the idea! But they’re not there to take your place. You take responsibility for yourself, and then others will support you as you take that responsibility. The best part of taking responsibility is that once you’re accountable for the choices that you make, you can also make better choices. So let’s look at some common questions about taking responsibility. And no, this is not a list of things you did to yourself. It’s simply to remind you that it is your responsibility. 1. Do I take responsibility for what happened? The first and most important question is: Did I do it? Did I have a choice? Did I make the decision? Was I a victim of circumstance, someone else’s bad choices, or was it my own decision? The answer to all of these questions needs to be “No” before you can take responsibility for something. Remember that most people point to others when they don’t take responsibility. When we talk about accountability, the first thing we need to do is look in the mirror and determine if we did it, or not. Did I make a decision? Was it a decision that I chose? 2. What can I do to make it better? Another common way we lose sight of responsibility is by blaming others. You know that old saying, “the buck stops here.” You may not be happy about it, but it’s where it stops. If you’re not happy about something, you still have a choice in how you act and react. When it comes to relationships, most of the time the buck stops with you. This means that the buck stops with you for the relationship, the job, the family situation, and the environment that surrounds you. If you’re not happy about it, that’s the buck stops with you. No one else. Once we take the responsibility for where we are in our lives, we also need to understand that the buck stops with us. We have to own it and own the decisions that we’ve made. If we’re blaming someone or something else, we’re also blaming ourselves. So, with all of that being said, you should be able to take some steps to make the situation better. If you do not like the situation, take responsibility and look at the following questions: a) How can I make it better? Is it within your power to do so? Are there people in my life who can support me and help me achieve a better outcome? b) What will you do differently? What will you change in your life? Do you want to give up on the relationship or job? If you want to stay or work on it, how will you make things better? c) What can you do to improve the situation? If you want to achieve some goals that are not going well, what can you do differently? Look for the commonalities and see if there is anything you can do to make things better. For example, if you are not happy with your career and job, what can you do to make a change? If you are not happy with your relationship, what can you do differently? The buck stops with you. 3. What can I do to make it better? As you take responsibility for yourself, what can you do to improve your life? We can all learn how to make things better. The best approach is to learn how to take responsibility for the things you have control over. So, if you’re not happy with your life, start taking some simple steps. It might be that you’re unhappy with your job and career. If that’s the case, start looking for ways to make yourself more valuable in your career. If you feel like you want to improve the relationship you’re in, look at the relationship from a couple’s perspective. Think about the things that the two of you have in common. Then think about how you can build on those strengths. Where does the relationship need to improve? Think about how you can improve the relationship. Remember that the buck stops with you, so it’s up to you to be responsible and take action to make it better. Don’t just sit there and complain about what’s going on. Take the first step and make it better. What about when things are going really well? If you’re a business owner, you may have built a business that you’re proud of. It may be growing, or it may be stalled out. So, now, you may want to find ways to take responsibility for your business growth. How can you find ways to improve the business? These are important questions, because if you don’t, the business may be just as vulnerable to failure as it was before you took responsibility for it. Take responsibility for your life, for your family, your career, and your environment. You only have the power to do what you choose to do. That’s it. By taking responsibility, you can make the decisions that will make the difference in your life. What do you think? Take responsibility and let us know your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles on life, business, and personal growth, visit RyanFranklinCoach.com For coaching and training that will help you create the business or personal life of your dreams, visit RyanFranklinCoach.com