You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it. Oh, I could write about how good I’ve been, but the only thing to take away from that would be how bad I’m in need of some change. I know that if I look up “writer” in the dictionary I could find a blank spot where it says “all alone in an attic writing.” But if you’re reading this and you feel that what I’m writing is true for you as well, that’s what has me feeling defeated. I feel defeated because I can’t seem to stop. When there’s something to write about and something new to say, it’s hard to let go of the process. Writing about myself does little to show others what’s true, and if people don’t connect with it they lose interest and move on. But if what I have to say resonates with someone, maybe what I’ve lost sight of is the purpose of my writing. I don’t want to leave something unfinished and incomplete. “That was a great show, but they missed a note in their harmonies.” “Hey, you missed an opportunity. You should’ve had your cake and eaten it too.” “You say your kids come first. The way you’ve been treating us lately makes me think that your love for your family isn’t a priority. I understand what you’ve been through but your anger towards me isn’t what I need.” “I know we haven’t spoken much since we’ve been apart but if you don’t hear from me it means that I still care.” “I don’t have much of a life, so forgive me if I don’t get back to you as quickly as you would like. I’m taking a break from the madness.” “I can’t seem to get over the fact that we’ve broken up even though I know it was the right decision. Let’s just forget everything that happened between us. Let’s just talk and see if we can’t pick up where we left off. I can’t get you out of my mind, I won’t let you go. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been writing about people whom I am interested in, the way some people will take a vacation and write about it as if they’re an expert. I may not have done anything interesting, and I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do want to be a writer. Maybe that comes across as pretentious, or maybe it does mean I actually have my own stuff to say, but at the end of the day I have something to say and I will be ready to share it. But if my life were as interesting as I try to make it sound, then maybe I wouldn’t need to write a blog or a book. I can only be as interesting as I allow myself to be. It’s not that I’m a boring person or that I live a boring life. I’m just afraid to let my life become any more interesting, and if I were really interesting, then maybe I would’ve had something interesting to say. I want to be interesting, but I’m afraid of not being interesting enough, of boring the people around me. And if I’m boring, then how can I blame them for walking away? When they look at me and see no depth, how can I expect them to stay? You see, there are two sides to every argument, and as much as I know that I need to start being careful, I also know that there’s a fine line between being careful and being afraid. Even if I go a little overboard with my feelings, there’s still the underlying fact that there’s a real person on the other side who understands what it feels like to feel vulnerable. I may not be able to tell them to not walk away, but if I was brave enough, then maybe they would know that I was willing to be vulnerable, that I’m willing to let go of my fear. And if they know that, then maybe they wouldn’t walk away. But if it’s not enough then that’s just how it is. I’ve done a lot of thinking about why things keep going wrong, why I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and the answer is because I’m human. Sometimes, though, I feel like a machine. How can I not make the same mistakes and keep turning out the same results if I’m just a machine without feelings? And what does it matter if I make mistakes? Sometimes, when I feel like I’m alone, the only thing I can do is give up and walk away. When I don’t give up and walk away, though, I feel like I’m living the most rewarding life. It’s not perfect, but if I’m not living my life with that one goal, then who am I and what’s the point of living in the first place? The only problem is that when I stop feeling like a machine, my fear is even greater. I’m scared of being wrong, scared of being wrong enough to make the same mistake again. Then I spend days and days trying to convince myself that it doesn’t matter if I do everything wrong. I don’t want to be human, I just want to be a machine. If only that were the case. So then, what do I do with myself? I mean, it isn’t like there’s any chance that I can ever become a machine. And this is the part that I’m the most afraid to tell anyone, but sometimes when I’m feeling this way, I walk away. I start going through everything that I’ve said or written and just write about anything that comes to mind. My stories aren’t connected to anything, so they don’t have a point. They’re just disconnected ideas I’ve been wanting to say, so what is the point of writing about them when I’m just going to erase them as soon as the next thing pops into my head? My fear is that if I start writing something and don’t have the courage to follow through, then maybe the words that I’m trying so hard to say are better left unsaid. The point is that I write, it’s not the writing itself that matters, it’s the effort that’s gone into the process. I do have something to say, I just have to find it. If there’s a connection between the things that I’m saying, then why can’t I find that connection? If I had a chance to go back and talk to my younger self, then maybe I’d have an answer. But what I can say is that when I’m with someone, my interest in life increases. When someone tells me a good joke or plays a song that I enjoy, I connect with them and find the world a little brighter. And when I go out on my own, I find it difficult to leave the house. I’m not trying to be a hermit, but at this point, it would be easier to die. I know that if I gave up my fear of being wrong enough to walk away, then I could start enjoying life again. For now though, I’m keeping the people that are still interested in me in mind. I’m not trying to break them away, I’m just trying to keep them close. But it’s hard to connect with people when you never leave your apartment, so if there’s anyone reading this and feels like I can relate to their struggle, then maybe you should walk away. You don’t want to end up like me, living in a world where no one comes through for me. Maybe the answer is to give up and walk away, and maybe I need to go out on my own and try to find someone who can help me break free of this shell. I hope I can be that person, that person who will give people a chance, the person who’s willing to open up. If you’re reading this and you see something worth saying, then you’ll be able to hear it if I can figure out how to get your attention. And if I can’t, then it’s okay to walk away. Life is about opening yourself up and being a bit vulnerable. If I wasn’t scared to do that, then I wouldn’t need you. Maybe, in order to really enjoy life, we need to all take a deep breath and get a few good things out in the open. Maybe there are a lot of problems that are out there, but if I had my way, they’d all be gone. A lot of people say that they’re waiting for the right time to start dating. I have never said that about it though. Even when I’m going through a hard time, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over it, I know that I can’t stop until I start moving. Some of the greatest stories were told in the hardest moments of people’s lives and the right time to start dating was always right after. And when people want to stop moving and stand still, that’s when they meet their soulmate. I know that I’m a romantic and that my mind is always on the romantic side of things, but this isn’t some cheesy romantic story. There are certain things that I’ve had to deal with