A Giant Game of Bumper Cars." At the last minute, the producers realized they'd forgotten a star, so they rounded up a famous Russian singer, a giant of a man with a basso voice. The star was so loud and so fat, he looked like a big black beetle with a thick, swollen neck, so the announcer—apparently drunk—said, "This is not only a singer—this is a _rock_ and _roll_ and _roll_ artist!"
With this one, there was more laughter—but not more applause.
"The Dating Game." I thought it was a good date game because the man had to pick his own date. And what's better than that?
"Let's Make Love."
"Now that's a date."
But then came the most difficult moment in all these performances—The Love Game. The actors stood behind the podium with their backs to the cameras. It was kind of like seeing all the football players lined up in a stadium, then watching them line up on the field. Every so often a man got on the podium and said a line from the script: "Hi, I'm Bill—and I've got a girlfriend named—"
The actor had a girl in each hand—both of them looking a little dazed. Then he brought his date up to the podium and he said to one of the girls, "You're going to go on a date with him." He told the other girl, "You'll go on a date with me." That was the introduction to the entire show.
Now both of the dates had partners, but both of the dates looked puzzled and they had no idea which of the men on the stage was going to be their Valentine. So then the announcer said, "The first couple you're going to date is"—and both girls' eyes got wide—"Mr. Loverman." And then the announcer said, "And the other couple you're going to date is"—"Mr. Lovelier."
And all the girls cried out, "No, no, no, no!" And they dropped Mr. Loverman's hands and Mr. Lovelier's hands and they ran offstage.
And Mr. Loverman was heartbroken and Mr. Lovelier was very annoyed.
There was laughter—but no applause.
That was one for the record books.
## What the heck are they up to in this place?
## **Pamela Anderson (winner)**
Host, _Wife Swap_
In the beginning, I did an interview with _Saturday Night Live_ on their air in California and met their executives there. I was doing a promotional tour at Universal Studios in Burbank at that time, and I got a call from them saying, "What are you doing tonight?" They said, "We're going to be doing a special show." And they told me the guest was David Letterman.
So I'm getting ready for my show, I'm in the greenroom—and when I look outside, I see Dave at the bar. A lot of people say, "You go out there and you see David Letterman at a bar," and I thought, "He's going to be talking about his show."
So I do my show—and during the break between the first and second segments, this man comes up to me, in his early twenties, and he's standing behind me at the bar. I remember my mind racing to figure out who this was. I was thinking it might be a guy who was working on the show or the production crew. I knew they were having a special that night with David Letterman, but I didn't know what it was. And as I'm talking to him, a gentleman comes up to me at the bar and he said, "Can you please sign an autograph for my fiancée?"
And at that point, I realize who the man behind me is. And I thought, "Holy shit. David Letterman is going to do an interview with one of his guests." But it wasn't one of his guests—it was _me_! I just didn't know it. He had done a very good segment on our show, and we've always been good friends since.
Once I found out, I didn't know what to say. I asked the guy, "Are you engaged?" And he said, "Yes." And I was thinking, "You're engaged—and you're out with this girl that you have no intention of getting married to! What the heck are you doing with your life?"
And he's going on and on about how we must have been destined for each other.
"No," I said, "It was just the work of man."
## The man is in a hotel room . . .
## **Bob Saget (runner-up)**
Writer, _America's Funniest Home Videos_
I had a TV show, _Full House_ , and it was running at the time that they announced a writer's strike. So I was not working. I'm not saying it was the cause, but a lot of people had the same problem. I had no job—I mean, what am I supposed to do? I had been writing a sitcom.
So now I'm in this hotel in Times Square and you go through the elevators and you open all these doors and all of them are numbered like 1, 2, 3, 4. But I open a door and it says, "Room 23." You never see room 23 because there's no 23. You just open all these doors and there's no 23.
So I'm in the room and I'm standing there naked with nothing on. And then I hear, "Oooh, aah!" And I look over and there's this guy in the tub.
There's some woman yelling at him, "No, Bob Saget's here! What are you doing in here?" And she opens the door and he has his arm around her and there's a bathrobe on the floor.
I started laughing, thinking, "What the hell?"
Then the woman who opened the door said, "Well, get out, get out, we don't have time for this. We're about to go on."
And I look at the guy and I say, "Yeah, well, you better get back out there—or it's going to be a bad night for you."
## . . . and it's a bad night for him.
## **Holly Marie Combs (winner)**
Actor, _Charmed_
The worst thing about doing _Supermarket Sweep_ was working with that director. He would give us these huge pieces of scenery—an old factory or factory warehouse. I think we did one in a castle. So what we did was load them onto a truck and drive to the location, and we bring them in by hand. We had to crawl around inside these huge things and get this stuff up to the top where the director's perch was. I think it was the only show I did with him. He was also directing me on _Days of Our Lives_ at the time.
So on one of these takes, I was crawling up the ladder. My feet were not very long, so it was not an easy feat. And the director was up above me, standing on this little platform, just screaming, "Come on, come on, come on, come on!" And he wasn't helping me, either—he wasn't helping anybody.
So I was climbing up the ladder and I got up to the top and I couldn't see over the platform. I was going, "I'm almost there, I'm almost there, I'm almost there."
I remember the sound of his voice got quieter and quieter and quieter, so I figured he's not going to do this. He was giving me _my_ line, too, "I'm almost there."
And I said, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" And then he jumped off the platform and started crawling around in the warehouse and he was screaming, "Where are you? Where are you? Come on! Come on!"
I said, "Look, I don't know where you're at and I don't care anymore. I'm going to do my thing. Just watch."
So I moved on my back and crawled around, and eventually he caught up to me and he shouted, "Okay, now walk around it and do it again."
But he couldn't make me laugh. He really wasn't a fun director. I think that's why he got fired.
He really knew how to direct people with no emotional range. And he never got anything right. You always did what he said to do.
## He just wants what you got.
## **Paula Poundstone (runner-up)**
Comedian, _Whose Line Is It Anyway?_
Paula and I worked together on a TV show called _Tales from the Darkside_. We were two little people working alongside five giant big people, and it was fun to make fun of them sometimes because we all felt kind of small next to them. They were always like, "Watch out for Paula—she's going to blow you up!" And we'd just smile.
The director was the big
